Welcome to Episode #100 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Throw the First Punch.”
That’s right! We made it to Episode 100. I say “we” because if you weren’t here, I wouldn’t be here either, so thank you for your support! 🙂
In this show, I share my thoughts on two very different strategies for living a happy life. The first I would call, “Quiet and Private,” and the second, “Loud and Proud”. Trust me–I’ve tried both strategies and the difference is significant!
Of course, these two strategies can also be applied to your martial arts practice. So, if you want to make the most of your training time, I’ve got some advice for you–
Stop waiting for things to happen and MAKE things happen!
Send that email.
Take that class.
Tell your story.
Ask for help.
Throw the first punch!
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Thanks for listening! Keep fighting for a happy life!
Throw the First Punch
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TRANSCRIPT
Howdy, and welcome to episode #100. Did he say 100? Yes, 100 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes even a little martial arts, makes life a whole lot better. I have now said that 100 times, and it’s still true.
Yes, 100 episodes, cause for celebration, it’s a big milestone. On the other hand, it did take me almost nine years to reach it. But whatever, I am still going to celebrate. I’m going to buy myself a pie. I was going to buy myself a pie anyway, truth be told. So it’s just kind of like any other day.
But you know what? Enough about me. How about you? Thank you for being here. Whether you found this show right from the very beginning, you joined somewhere along the way, or maybe this is the first time you’ve ever dropped by, thank you for being here.
Honestly, I see this whole project, the website, the videos, the podcasts, as a team effort. If you’re not here, then there’s really no reason for me to be here. I would have packed this in about episode number 10. That’s about as much as I would have given it.
But you are here. And I’m still here. So let’s celebrate. Please buy yourself a pie. Will you do that for me? Let’s both have a pie and celebrate. Alright, on with today’s show.
Of course, a few episodes ago, I was thinking, Hey, I should have a special topic for episode 100. And I narrowed it down to a couple. But as these things always go, something else happened that inspired me to talk about something different. So I just kind of threw this together at the last second because it just happened. I thought it was kind of exciting. So here we go.
Now, sometimes on this show, I take something that happens in the martial arts and I try to apply it to the rest of my life. And other times, something happens in regular life and I try to bring that into my martial arts practice. This is a story on that side of the spectrum. This is something that just happened. It’s not even a big deal, and yet, it’s a big deal. Here’s what happened…
It’s probably something that’s happened to you today– I got caught in a conversation. A conversation I didn’t see coming and didn’t want to participate in. But it was someone brand new. I didn’t know this person, and they didn’t know me. We had just met, and the other person just started going. Just too much information.
Now, don’t get me wrong, a good person– a good-hearted, kind person– but someone who is really comfortable sharing every part of their life right away to a stranger. Tragedies from their life, setbacks, obstacles, dreams, goals, plans, in about 20 minutes plus, all of that came just gushing out.
Now, of course, at first, in a world that’s often guarded, certainly my world, I was surprised. You hear someone revealing personal information, and at first, just a little shocked, like, are you talking to me? Do I need to know this? Holy smokes, this is serious stuff you’re talking about. We just met.
But then that surprise starts turning into being annoyed, because I start wondering, Well, if you’re telling me all of these personal things, and you don’t even know me, do I even really need to be here? Isn’t this more therapeutic for you? You’re just talking to hear yourself talk, or you just need to get something off your chest, and you might as well be talking to this tree. Do I even need to be here?
So I started getting a little annoyed, and then a little frustrated, because I’ve got places to go, I’ve got things to do, and this person just kept going. And then it hit me. It was really later the next day, when I remembered some advice that I had heard from a very wise teacher. Oh, wait, it was me.
Okay, I remembered a piece of advice that I had given way back in episode number 39. It was called, The Crazy Critic. And in that episode, I gave a piece of advice which I needed to hear myself, as all good teaching is, you teach what you need to learn. The advice went something like this.
What you criticize most in others is often what disappoints you most in yourself.
I’ll say that again. What you criticize most in others is often what disappoints you most about yourself. Hmm, okay, so what does that mean?
Perhaps I wasn’t really annoyed at her. I was really annoyed at myself. For what? Well, why does she feel so comfortable talking to me, yet I don’t feel that comfortable talking to her or anyone? Why don’t I feel comfortable talking to people in such an open manner?
Now, that might sound a little weird because I’m sitting here talking to you in front of a camera and posting it for the public. So what do you mean I’m not comfortable? That’s totally different because you have the option of either playing this or stopping this. There doesn’t have to be an awkward social moment where I see that you hate my guts, or you think I’m an idiot, or you walk away, or you tell me to shut up. I don’t have to deal with that. You may say those things in a comment or an email, but that’s not the same thing.
In person, generally, I don’t say that much. My wife makes fun of me all the time. We’ll go to a party and someone will say, Well, what do you do? And I say, Oh, this or that, what do you do? I just deflect a lot. I don’t feel comfortable talking about myself.
That’s basically my policy for about the first 42 years of my life. That’s the age when I started the website. When I realized that being quiet in private, that was my policy. Just quiet in private. Mind my own business. Don’t talk to people. It’s just not comfortable.
So I’m annoyed that this person, my new friend, was so comfortable talking to me. Annoying. Annoying about myself. I’d also say it was, I had the feeling that I’m wasting time. As I’m sitting here and she’s talking, I’m thinking like, You’re wasting my time.
But on the other hand, I’m annoyed with myself that I feel that sharing my feelings is wasting someone else’s time. A friend, a family member, anyone. A student, a teacher. Why do I have this feeling? What happened to me in my life where I feel if I share my feelings that I’m absolutely going to waste your time?
That is just not a great way to live your life, I have learned. The same with just the idea of caring. This person is telling me about these tragedies and future goals– and near tears– and why does she think I care? Do I care?
Well, the thing is, on some level I do care. I’m a nice person, most people are nice people. So why am I walking around for most of my life up till now with this belief that nobody really cares? Go ahead, share your dreams. Nobody cares, nobody’s listening, nobody’s going to help you.
But that is a crippling way to live your life. This is what she helped me remember. This policy of living quiet and private, quietly and privately, it just doesn’t get you where you want to go.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t see my 42 years of life before I started the website as a failure. I made progress, I had successes, but they weren’t even close to what I intended to do. Whether it’s in music or writing or acting or martial arts, relationships, friends, anything.
I always felt like, Yeah, this is not enough, this is not what I wanted. I’m happy with what I have, the glass is half full, but I think I should have a bigger glass. Something’s missing here.
Now I’ve realized, and she helped me remember, Yeah, quiet and private at some point should turn into loud and proud. That has to be the new policy if I want to go where I want to go. If I want to see what I want to see, meet the kinds of people I want to meet, learn what I need to learn.
The only hitch is it takes courage to do that. To switch from quiet and private to loud and proud, you got to take that breath and step in there, speak up, and that takes guts. And that’s why I’m so thankful that I met my new friend, because she was very brave to open herself up. That’s fearless to meet someone for the first time and start sharing your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your failures, to just put all that out there.
But here’s what I’ve learned…
Because if it’s true that I think I’m a nice person, and I think most people are nice people, when you tell them about yourself, you’re putting a dot on a piece of paper. And the person who’s hearing you, who receives your message, is another dot. And it’s inevitable that you’re going to connect those dots.
So while she’s telling me her story, at one point I hear, Oh, I’m looking for a rental space to host a certain activity. So immediately my brain starts kicking into, Well, do I have a rental space? Do I know someone who has a rental space?
She says, I’m going to need a printer to get a part of this project done. Now I’m thinking, Oh, I just used a printer. Do I have a printer I can refer to her?
It’s inevitable, even though I don’t know her, I don’t know her cause, it’s just natural for nice people to want to connect dots. It just happens. So on her side of things, by giving out so much information, she’s recruiting me into her cause, whether I want it to be in it or not. She’s going to tap into my advice, my expertise, if she’s willing to listen to it, my experience, because I’m there too.
Connect these dots. This is my advice today. Because this podcast and the videos is an example of me trying to connect dots, one way or the other.
Now, like I said, sometimes it’s martial arts to a life lesson, sometimes it’s a life lesson to martial arts. So let me take this idea of being loud and proud instead of quiet and private and apply it to martial arts.
One memory that came to my head, because even though I don’t like talking about myself much, in my practice of martial arts, I learned earlier that quiet and private was not helpful to learning, that you wanted to act in a way that was loud and proud. So, for instance, there was a time, I was at a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class rolling with a guy from out of town. Always fun to have someone from out of town because they don’t know your tricks, I don’t know their tricks, so it feels a little more like a real fight because there’s a little more surprise going on, right?
So we start to roll. He sits, I’m trying to pass guard. And right as I’m in the middle of a pass, I gave him my back, on purpose. Not even fast, I just started turning, which is breaking the golden rule, basically. That’s like just dropping your hands in boxing. You don’t give anyone your back, right? But I did it. I did it on purpose.
And it was so ridiculous that the other guy actually said out loud, why in the world would you do that? I’ll never forget that because, well, to me, that was a victory. He’s like, why in the world would you do that? And I told him the answer. I just wanted to see what you would do.
What did he do? He tried to take my back, of course. But how? How is he trying to take my back? And then when he got my back, what am I going to do about that?
I put myself out there, purposely, into a bad situation, just so I could learn what to do about it. Isn’t that the point of going to class? Yes.
Here’s an example of the opposite, which maybe you do or certainly you know someone who does. When you’re sparring, some people, you line up, touch gloves, you got a five-minute round, go. And for five minutes, they stay away from you, or you stay away from them.
They keep coming in, they keep attacking, block, block, move, move, around, around, run away, run away… five minutes is up. What did you learn?
Did you really need to come to a martial arts class to learn how to stay away from somebody? To me, that’s the opposite of why you came. When you get the chance to spar with a partner, that’s the gold standard, right?
For me, for martial arts training, that’s the hardest thing– how do you find a partner? A partner you can trust, a partner who’s got skills, a partner who can push you. If you can find all that, you want to make the most of every second of that training time. You lose that opportunity every time you disengage, detach, run away, and decide not to play.
I’ve been really frustrated, I know even black belts, who I go to work with and they won’t do anything because they just want to work on their counter fighting. They just want to see what I’m going to do. And not just once in a while, they do it every single time.
That kind of partner, they’re not even worth practicing with anymore because they’re refusing to engage, which is where the learning is going to take place, right?
So, I would like you to join me in this movement from quiet and private to loud and proud and specific to the martial arts. Make this your policy, throw the first punch.
Throw the first punch not just to see what happens, but to make things happen.
If you’re going to spar, of course, most people’s instinct is, Oh, I don’t want to get hit. Let me just do something really safe. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I don’t want to lose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. On the other hand, you’re here to learn. I’m not here to not lose. And learning means experimenting. It means failing. It means trying stuff.
So, ding, ding, go. Here I come. I’m going to throw the first punch. I’m going to be the first one to make a grip. Let me start the action so that something happens. And now I have a chance to learn something.
That’s going to apply to everything in your life. I believe that’s going to get you more out of life.
Let me go back to my friend for a second, because I left that unfinished. Our first encounter, like I said, she just starts sharing a lot. In my head– I’m smiling– but in my head, I’m annoyed and I’m frustrated. Later on, next day, I realize I’m not frustrated and annoyed at her, I’m annoyed and frustrated with myself. I have this revelation. So I won’t leave it there.
The next time I see her, because I did run into her again, I admit to her everything that I’m saying to you. I tell her, It was really overwhelming when you hit me with all that stuff. And at first, I’m going to tell you, just honestly, I was a little put off by it. But you taught me something. You taught me that I shouldn’t be afraid, that people do care, that it’s not a waste of time to talk about yourself.
And she received all that very well and put a cherry on top. Here’s the cherry on top…
Her inspiration to behave like that, in part, came from a teacher she had worked with. She credited a gentleman named Kahu Wendell Silva. He is an educator in Native Hawaiian culture. And the quote that she ascribed to him was the following. She said that he said: If you don’t tell your story, you will disappear.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a realist. We all disappear. If the pyramids and the Coliseum can degrade and disappear, sands of time cover you up, we’re all going to disappear. You, me, everybody. But how soon is that going to happen? How long will that take? How long will the impact of your life last?
I hope that you will join me in telling your story more often, louder and prouder. I hope that you, like me, I’m teaching what I need to learn, will put yourself out there more often. I hope you will throw the first punch. I believe that is the greatest strategy now, to learn more and to go farther in your life, to get you closer to where you want to go.
Do we ever get where we want to go in 100%? Probably not. That’s life and that’s okay. But if you want to enjoy the journey, and you want a longer journey, you want a more exciting journey, throw the first punch. Make things happen.
I’m not saying it’s easy. Like I’ve told you, I was 42 years old before I decided to start the process of throwing some punches out there, by starting a website. Before I started the website, no real social circles. I don’t go out, didn’t talk to anybody much. My wife and I stay home, home bodies. And that was fine.
Then I realized this has got to change. So I started the website, but here’s the thing. Nine years ago, I only wrote articles. I started off that first two or three months, I just wrote articles. I didn’t want to put my face out there. I didn’t want my voice out there. It felt safe to me to just write.
So yes, I started to tell my story just through words. Cool. In about two or three months, I had about 60 subscribers. I thought, well, this is amazing. Just look at that. That gave me the confidence to then start the podcast.
Episode number one took, I think, three months or so. Three, four months to get episode number one up. I recorded it three different times. I was just so in my head about telling your story.
How are you going to tell it? What should you say? Eventually got it out there. I threw that punch. Boom. Episode number one. And for two years, that’s where I stayed. I just wrote articles and recorded the podcast for two years because that was my level of putting myself out there where I felt safe.
I had a few hundred people listening to the podcast, reading the articles a month. Great. More than I could have ever have hoped for really when I started. But once you get a taste for Hey, there are people out there who are like you and they want to talk and share things… maybe it’s time to try a video. And I did.
Then the videos became more popular than the podcast. And so much more popular than the writing that I stopped writing articles and just started focusing on making videos and the podcast. I’ve been very happy with that.
Now I’m at the point– since the lockdowns closed down the schools and my wife and I have moved and we’re starting over– now this part-time website video podcasting thing becomes full-time. Now this is my next step in putting myself out there. Hey, put up a couple of courses.
Hey, teach some stuff on Zoom, private lessons, seminars. Let’s tell your story even more. Put yourself out there. And the reward for all that– I don’t want you to think this is about money or views or fame– I’ve met so many nice people. My whole world view has changed. I’ve talked about that in other videos.
I’ve made friends, legit friends, through this. Incredible. I’ve been offered opportunities that never would have come my way. Invited to schools, come be on our podcast. Hey, can you teach this? Teach that? Can I make a request? Will you work with my kids? Absolutely I will. But why would you have offered me that if I hadn’t thrown the first punch?
Of course, I’ve learned a lot. The more you put yourself out there, the more dots start getting connected, inevitably, you just are learning more because more things are happening, there are more interactions. Making the most of that role, making the most of that sparring session, the more you force to happen, the more you learn about yourself, the more you learn about the world, there’s no downside to it. It’s just reward, reward, reward.
So here we are, episode #100, almost 9 years, and a lot has happened in that time, good and bad. But the underlying message here is always, life is short. Tell your story before time runs out. Tell your story.
Whatever level that you’re doing that, I’m not saying everyone has to have a video channel, but whatever level that you are telling your story, push it one up. That’s my challenge to you.
I started with the writing, then went to the audio, then went to the video, now hopefully full time endeavor. What can you do? What’s the next step you can take to tell your story a little louder and a little prouder?
If you’re suffering alone, you don’t have to. If you’re trying to build something beautiful in this world, alone, you don’t have to. There are people who will help you. Connect those dots, reach out, put your flag in the sand. Let people know where you are, who you are, and what you’re trying to do.
Don’t keep that private. Knock on a door. Go shake someone’s hand. Step into that room. Stand up, speak up. Take a chance.
If you failed at something, try again. Ask someone for help. Tell someone what you’re trying to do. If you don’t know exactly what you want to do or where you want to go, you can still put yourself out there.
You can still throw a first punch by asking someone else how you can help them. That’s a beautiful way to put yourself out there. And in finding ways to help other people, you will probably find out another way to help yourself.
It’s just connection. Not being afraid of the connection. Dot to dot, person to person, heart to heart, soul to soul. Let it happen. Open that door.
So that’s my big message– episode #100– the episode itself, to reach to 100 is the message. To put yourself out there and keep putting yourself out there.
Episode 1, episode 10, episode 100, episode 1000, 10,000, may I live long enough. Keep putting yourself out there. Turn quiet and private into loud and proud.
Throw the first punch. Make something happen. And then let’s both celebrate, my teammate. Let’s both celebrate a beautiful new beginning.
All right, there you have it, episode number 100. Thank you for being here, thank you for your support. Thanks for being on Team Happy Life.
Until I see you next time, smiles up my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life.
