Help! My Sparring Partner Is Out of Control!

An out of control sparring partner can cause you more harm than a real-life attacker. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Here are some tips to protect yourself on the mats and on the street. You can read the article, listen to the podcast, or watch a video summary.

Stay safe! 🙂

How to Stop an Out of Control Sparring Partner

A good sparring partner pushes you to be better. A bad sparring partner hurts you, holds you back, and makes you want to quit martial arts altogether.

A couple months ago, I was in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class and got partnered with a fellow who was bigger, younger, and a higher rank than I am. As soon as we slapped hands to start, he exploded at me as if he was fighting for his life. I fell back in survival mode, but it was too late—I was in trouble.

My aggressive partner grabbed my arm and yanked it off my body. That’s how it felt anyway! The fact is he hurt my arm before I could surrender. I tapped and yelled like I was on fire, but the damage was done.

Now came the crucial moment—his reaction. This would tell me if I was dealing with a total jerk or someone who just got a little excited. Here’s what he did—

He tossed my arm aside and said, “Yeah—you gotta be more careful with that.” That’s it. Not, “You okay?” or “Sorry,” just, “You gotta be more careful with that.”

Wow. No mystery about it—the guy was a total jerk! And a perfect example of a bad sparring partner.

It’s not uncommon. You’ll always run into sparring partners who are out of control. Some are sociopathic bullies. Some are innocent beginners who go hard simply because they don’t know any better. Either way, a smart martial artist figures out how to deal with everyone.

The most common way students deal with bad sparring partners is to complain in private. I hear it after class all the time—

• “He hits too hard.”
• “She’s out of control.”
• “That guy is a jerk.”

Complaining, of course, changes nothing. The bad sparring partner isn’t around to hear the comments, so the behavior continues.

Other times, a student quits without saying a word. When I call to find out what happened, I hear comments like—

• “I don’t like sparring.”
• “I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
• “My life is too busy right now.” (In other words, “I don’t want to admit I’m afraid of getting hurt.”)

What a shame. There’s nothing sadder than losing a student due to an out of control sparring partner. Why?

Because learning to deal with someone who is out of control is what martial arts is all about!

A drunk guy pushing you at a bar is out of control. A road rager shaking his fist and arguing over a parking space is out of control. A mugger pulling a knife is out of control.

When it comes to self-defense, complaining won’t save you. Neither will quitting. In self-defense, you have to accept what’s happening, control your emotions, assess your options, make a decision, and follow through to the best of your ability. And guess what—

That’s the same formula for dealing with a bad sparring partner!

Let’s go through those steps again, because together, they form the perfect plan to solve virtually any problem.

First: Accept that you’re in a dangerous situation. Don’t make excuses for a bad sparring partner. Don’t blame yourself for not being good enough. Just say, “This person is hurting me and I want it to stop.”

Second: Control your emotions. Don’t let fear take you out of the game. Don’t let anger make you lose control. Take a breath. View your partner as a puzzle to figure out, not an enemy who must be killed.

Third: Assess the situation. By staying objective, you’ll see things more clearly. Is this person hurting you on purpose or are they just clumsy? Is this someone you can talk to or is it wiser to walk away?

Fourth: Make a decision. Talk. Hit back. Walk away. Whatever. There is no right or wrong decision. Just commit to doing something. If your decision doesn’t work, reassess.

Fifth: Follow through. Put your decision into action. Don’t drive home upset because you didn’t stand up for yourself. Being frustrated with a sparring partner is bad… being frustrated with yourself is worse!

Let’s go back to the fourth step, making a decision. Here are three decisions to consider when dealing with a bad sparring partner. Over the years, all three have worked for me.

1) SAY SOMETHING TO YOUR PARTNER. Sounds easy enough, right? And yet, so many people won’t speak up. Giving criticism and creating conflict just feels too uncomfortable.

Get over it!

Don’t be a locker room gossip. It doesn’t help anyone—including you. Plus, the odds are good that if a sparring partner is out of control with you, they’re out of control with others, too. So, be a hero—talk to them directly. Say—

• “Hey, take it easy, Champ.”
• “You’re hitting too hard.”
• “Every time I spar with you, I get hurt.”
• “If you hit hard, I’ll hit you hard.”

The simple act of calling attention to an unwanted behavior can work miracles. Like in any self-defense situation, using your voice to set boundaries is a powerful shield.

2) HIT BACK. Whoa! Wait a minute. You forgot one—what about saying something to the teacher?

I didn’t forget. It’s just not very effective. Here’s why—

If your teacher is paying attention, they should already know who’s out of control. A good teacher is always looking to create a safe environment for their students. That’s not just a responsibility, it’s good business.

So, if one student is repeatedly hurting other students, that either means the teacher isn’t overly concerned about safety, or has already spoken to the student and had no effect. Either way, you’re still getting hurt.

Think of it this way—telling the teacher is like calling the police. I would love to rely on the police to prevent any and all crimes committed against me, but that’s unreasonable. My safety is first and foremost my responsibility. Which brings us to HITTING BACK…

If speaking up is fighting fire with water, hitting back is fighting fire with fire. Both are effective.

If you choose to hit back, do it the moment your partner crosses the line. Make it clear that abusing you is not going to be tolerated. Think of it as speaking without speaking.

If the idea of hitting back makes you uncomfortable, I invite you to read more in “Your Right to Fight“.

3) WALK AWAY. No, I don’t mean quitting class. I mean refusing to work with the offending sparring partner ever again. Period.

Some may call you a chicken. Those people are idiots. In self-defense, if you have the option to run from an attacker, run. There is nothing smart or cool about squaring off against a knife, gun, or a fist if you don’t have to.

Survival is your first priority, not looking cool.

But wait—why not just avoid every conflict? Doesn’t escaping solve every puzzle?

Yes. It’s true that if you quit training, you’ll never have to face a bad sparring partner again. But…

You’ll also never learn anything. You’ll never be any good. You’ll build a habit of running away from all of your problems, even ones that could be solved a different way.

Running from trouble should be a choice, not a habit.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting you go out of your way to put yourself in danger… I’m suggesting you shouldn’t always go out of your way to avoid danger. For example, I often see advanced belts only sparring with other advanced belts. They consider working with a white belt a waste of time or even a punishment.

WRONG! The more unpredictable your partner, the better. The more danger you face in practice, the safer you’ll be in real life. After all, isn’t the ultimate goal to be ready for anyone, anywhere, anytime?

When you think of sparring that way, beginners and clumsy students are actually the best training partners. They panic. They don’t play by the rules. They zig when you think they’re going to zag.

PERFECT! Just like a real fight! Think about it—if you can’t control an out of control white belt while sparring in a safe, school environment, how can you control a skilled attacker trying to kill you on the street? Answer—

YOU CAN’T!

The big message here is the formula for self-defense should follow you everywhere you go. Treat a bad sparring partner in the dojo the same way you’d treat an attacker on the street or a bully in the office. When you do, you’ll always be learning. The world will be your dojo. By practicing the self-defense formula over and over in all areas of your life, you’ll ensure that it’s there when you need it most.

So, deal with the bullies in class however you wish. Then go work with the white belts. Work with students from other schools. Work with that wacky guy no one else chooses as a partner. And instead of correcting all of those “bad” sparring partners, let them do whatever they want. Let them be out of control. You just focus on protection.

No–not just protection of you, protection of them! In The Soul of Karate, I made the case that the highest level of skill in martial arts is not protecting yourself while hurting your attacker, it’s protecting yourself while maintaining the choice of hurting your attacker.

Can you hurt someone who’s out of control by punching them in the face? Of course you can! Can you control someone who’s out of control without punching them in the face? Ah! That’s the challenge! If you can do both, you’re truly a master.

First seek to control and protect yourself, then seek to control and protect your partner.

The bottom line is that martial arts is unlike any other physical activity. Yes, there’s a chance you will get bumped and bruised by someone who’s out of control playing basketball or taking a dance class, but in martial arts, it is guaranteed. It’s part of the process, not a freak accident. It also happens to be the part that will prepare you for life better than anything else.

So, don’t let bad sparring partners stop you from learning and growing. Welcome them as a test of what you’ve learned and a guide to what you still need to learn.

This article is a summary of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Sparring and Self-Defense.” Listen to the full episode here.