Are You a Real Fighter or a Studio Fighter?

Are you a real fighter or just a poser? I mean, can you fight? Really fight?

If you’re a martial artist, you’ve probably questioned your fighting skills more than once. You’ve probably had friends and family question them, too.

Hey, you’re a black belt—could you beat Ronda Rousey?

Dumb question. And yet, I think about it!

Realism is a major issue in the martial arts. YouTube comments and martial arts forums and are full of debates about which techniques work on the street, or which style is the most realistic, or whether Bruce Lee could beat Mike Tyson… or Batman.

The problem with all of these questions is that there are no authoritative answers. In the end, it all boils down to opinion and personal experience. Which means you might be 100% right or 100% wrong!

Keeping that in mind, here are a few of my opinions and experiences on the subject of keeping it real. Not just on the mats, but in every part of life.

Let’s begin with a story…

Once upon a time, I was pretty cool. Or so I thought. It turned out reality was just waiting to slap me in the face with two little words.

The words came after a Kung Fu class. At that time, I had started asking my partners for feedback when we worked out. I’d ask them—

Did that move really work?
How can I make that better?

I quizzed my partners because I came to suspect that I may not be the best judge of whether my techniques were effective or not. Even my teacher may not be the best judge.

I figured that if I really wanted to know if what I was doing was working or not, I needed to talk with the people on the receiving end of what I was doing.

DUH! That sounds so obvious, right? But let me ask you—how often do your partners break down your performance for you?

In most schools I’ve been in, you don’t get much feedback from your peers. If someone offers advice, it’s only because they volunteer it. And even when you do ask for feedback, you might only get a grunt or a nod.

For most schools, there really is no formal part of class where everyone sits down—teachers and students—to tell each other what’s working and what’s not. Instead, what usually happens is you build a reputation without knowing it.

For example, I’m sure you train with someone who hits too hard… but do they know that?
What’s more likely, when someone is out of control, is that it won’t be until that person leaves class that you’ll hear someone comment—

Man—that guy hits too hard.

Yeah, that guy’s crazy.

Or maybe someone repeats the same move over and over, but while he’s in the changing room, no one says anything. Once he steps out, someone speaks up—

Man—that guy always does the same move.

Yeah, I know! I see it coming every time.

Sound familiar?

Once I realized that the most constructive advice was being given behind people’s backs, I had to wonder—

What are people saying about me? What’s my reputation? What does everybody know about me that I don’t?

I needed to know. I mean, how could I learn and improve without that information?

So, I started asking. I figured even one honest answer, one new piece of advice, might change everything. And man, was I right!

On the night in question, I asked everyone in class to participate in my feedback project. They didn’t love the idea, but since there were only five of us there, and it probably wouldn’t take too long, they all agreed.

We sat on the floor. I suggested that we go around, one at a time, and have each person share any notes or recommendations they may have for everyone else.

The two big questions—what does this person do well and what could they improve?

Unfortunately, like all brilliant ideas, this plan had a flaw in it. The flaw was kindness. Nobody wanted to say anything derogatory about anyone else. Or maybe that was cowardice.

Either way, everybody clammed up. The comments were short and shallow—

You’re strong.
You’re fast.
You’re tough.

Ugh—worthless. By the time my turn came around, I wasn’t expecting much. Sure enough, the first three guys killed me with kindness.

But the fourth guy, Criss, stepped up and said something that hit me square in the gut. He said—

You flow well. And you think of a lot of good moves. But it’s not real. You’re a good studio fighter.

A what? What did you call me? A studio fighter?

I’d never heard that term before, but I knew exactly what he meant. He was saying my skills were good enough to be effective in class, but not good enough for the street.

I was blown away.

At the time, I’d already been training in the martial arts for 15 years! I already had two black belts! I was in my athletic prime! I thought I was fast, strong, smart, and tough!

Don’t get me wrong—I never thought I was invincible or a martial arts superstar, but to call me a studio fighter? What could be more insulting than that? But here comes the worst part—

HE WAS RIGHT!!

Of course, I didn’t admit that right away. That night, I wanted to jump up and kick Criss in the face to prove that this studio fighter could still take him out. But over the next couple of days, I considered what he said…

• When I practiced martial arts, was I really fighting or just going through the motions?
• Did I grab a little too loosely? Did I let go of locks a little too early?
• Did I hold back on strikes and throws to show respect and control, or because I didn’t feel comfortable following through?
• Was I really prepared to break a bone, twist a neck, or drill someone with a punch?
• Was I a real fighter or just a deluded studio fighter?

When I got honest with myself, really honest, I couldn’t help but agree with Criss—I was a studio fighter.

Despite all the notebooks, all the research, all the practice, all the enthusiasm, the way I approached martial arts training was not preparing me for a real fight.

To be the best martial artist I could be, to make my techniques really work, to be a real fighter, I needed to change everything. My morals, my emotions, my intentions, my self-image, my movements—it all needed to be torn down and rebuilt.

All thanks to one guy and two words—studio fighter.

In case you’re wondering, I still work out with Criss once in while, and to this day, I always remind him of how his words knocked the wind out of my ego and changed my training—and life—forever.

Finding out that your self-image is 100% wrong is a painful experience. Embarrassing, too. All those hours working out, thinking I was cool, when the whole time, I was kidding myself. I was a fool!

I’ve said before that I love martial arts because they’re honest. If you get punched in the face, you get punched in the face. There’s no way to deny what happened.

But unfortunately, you can deny how it happened…

• You can take a punch to the face and think, “I could have blocked that if I wanted to.”
• You can get tap out of a submission while thinking, “I let him have that.”
• You can lose a tournament, but still say, “I didn’t get much sleep last night. If I had slept, I would’ve won.”
• You can be a complete martial arts failure and still believe, “I’m just being nice. If this was a real fight, I could win.”

These are dangerous delusions!

Is martial arts training honest? Yes, absolutely. The feedback is clear, direct, and usually dramatic. But feedback is worthless if you’re not willing to accept it.

Only a real student is able to accept feedback—good or bad—and use it to improve. Only a real student is open to learning and changing.

A poser, on the other hand, ignores feedback. Posers repeat the same patterns over and over, and never improve.

A real student experiences setbacks and feels frustration, but the effort is rewarded with progress and fulfillment. The poser, on the other hand, will always suffer from ignorance, stagnation, and delusion.

WRONG!

Sorry. That’s not true. The sad fact is that the poser may never suffer at all!

I’ve known many posers who walk around with a smug grin on their face 24/7. In fact, I was one of them!

The poser deludes himself into believing he’s always right, never realizing how his success is limited, or noticing how everyone around him is laughing behind his back.

I should point out that it’s not just individuals who fall into the deluded fantasy trap. As human beings, we also get sucked into the delusions of others. Your class, school, and style might be deluded, too. This calls to mind an old saying in the martial arts—

Everybody’s techniques work in their own studio.

Martial artists in the same school love to talk about how what they’re practicing will work in the real world, but what those other guys down the street are doing? Not so much.

Don’t make that mistake—we can all be blind. We can all be misled.

The risk of delusion is even higher in arts where there isn’t much sparring, rolling, or drilling with resistance. Don’t get me wrong—I believe in the modern, mainstream goal of using the martial arts to develop character. But if your goal is to build character, you’ve got to ask yourself, what kind of character are you trying to build?

If you convert the chaotic, brutal aspects of combat into safe, comfortable routines, you are eliminating the challenges that forge a powerful, self-reliant character.

If you take the fighting out of martial arts, you’re not practicing martial arts! You’re practicing martial arts and crafts.

That’s why martial arts training should be designed to simulate reality as closely as possible. Keep it real to be real!

Okay. Rant over.

Now, let’s talk about you.

• Are you a studio fighter?
• What is your reputation?
• What do people say about you when you’re not in the room?

Take it a step farther. Would you say you’re the “real deal” in other parts of your life?

Are you a black belt in business? Are you a capable husband or wife? Are you a trusted friend? Can you keep a plant alive for more than a month?

Try this! Sit down and make a list of all the different roles you play in your life. All the different dreams you’re chasing. All the different goals you’ve set for yourself. Then go back and ask yourself for each one—are you the real deal or a poser? Or somewhere in between?

Wait! Don’t do any of that until you ask yourself this question first: Are you honest enough with yourself to even answer those questions accurately? Are you too deluded to know? Maybe this will help…

I mentioned in the article, 7 Lessons from Bruce Lee, a favorite quote from the Tao of Jeet Kune Do. Here it is again—

To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.

The big idea: you can’t learn about yourself by yourself. The person at home alone is not the same as the person out and about in society.

When you interact with other people you have the chance to learn about yourself in two ways:

1) Observing your own behavior
2) Observing how others perceive your behavior

Which brings me to two pieces of advice. Obviously, I’m a big believer in asking people for feedback. But even if you never ask a single question, you are receiving feedback all day, every day. So, here’s my advice…

FIRST: LISTEN TO THE FEEDBACK YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR.

You’re so organized.
You look tired.
You’re so funny.
You never listen.
You’re very controlling.

People comment on your behavior all the time. A real student always has their ears open.

A real student hears every compliment and insult and considers each one with equal care and attention.

SECOND: LISTEN TO WHAT YOU’RE NOT HEARING.

Feedback comes in two forms: what you hear and what you don’t hear. Here’s an example of what I would call “silent feedback”.

Growing up, I played in rock bands. For 10 years, I believed I had a shot at being a rock star. Until one day, in my early 20’s, it hit me…

No one had ever told me that I was a great singer. Or even a good singer.

Nobody. Not once. Only my ego told me I could sing.

The silence was screaming at me to stop singing, but I didn’t hear it. I was deluded.

So, what are YOU not hearing? The silence may be trying to tell you something, too.

If you can’t find clients, can’t get a date, can’t keep friends, hey—don’t blame the world. Take a look at yourself.

Be careful because silent feedback can sometimes be hidden between the words that someone is telling you. Here’s what I mean…

If you spar with someone who says, “You have a lot of energy,” it’s possible what they’re really telling you is, “You need to slow down.”

If someone says, “You’ve really got a mean side kick,” they might really be saying, “Enough with that stupid side kick! Try something else!”

Maybe everyone compliments you on your power and spirit, but no one ever says a word about your clever strategy. Maybe everyone approves of your patience and control, but no one ever remarks on your intensity.

If you only listen to what people are saying, you can leave class thinking you’re fast, strong, clever, and cool, even when people are telling you to your face that you’re reckless, predictable, unfocused, and ineffective!

Of course, it’s hard to hear silent feedback if your ego is telling you how awesome you are all the time. If you only hear what you want to hear, the only success you’ll achieve is separating yourself from reality. Don’t make that mistake!

If you’re doing something well, you should be hearing about it. People should notice it. People you don’t even know should be going out of their way to ask you about it.

If you’re not hearing about something you think you do well, I suggest you ask for feedback.

Like it or not, Criss told me exactly what I needed to hear. If I had never asked for feedback, I would’ve kept going, year after year, kidding myself that I was an effective fighter. I’d still be walking around with that smug grin, never realizing that I had a reputation for being most likely to be killed on the street.

Are You a Real Fighter?

So, if you want to get a clearer picture of your effectiveness as a fighter, on or off the mats, here are three questions you should not only ask yourself, you should ask the people who know you.

1) Can you take a hit?

Can you deal with losing? Do you feel sorry for yourself when things don’t go your way? Do you make excuses?

Remember—if you are not willing to lose, then you are not a real fighter. If you can’t or won’t take a hit, then you are a poser. There is no way you can learn and grow without welcoming both victory and loss into your life.

2) Are you a problem-solver?

When a situation gets complicated or difficult, do you give up? Do you tap out?

Do you whine that everyone is too rough or not playing fair? Do you complain when a drill is too hard?

A real fighter isn’t afraid of a challenge. A real fighter will even seek out bad positions and purposely put themselves in worst-case scenarios just to see if they can work themselves out.

A real fighter has faith in their ability to figure out puzzles and overcome obstacles.

3) Do you follow-through?

Solving problems is worthless if you don’t have the guts to take action. So, do you execute your plans?

Are you capable of doing what ever you want, physically and emotionally?

Once you get started, do you finish your plans? Will you keep attacking your goals with the spirit of a real fighter?

I win, you lose.
I live, you die.

If you feel uneasy taking action with that level of conviction, you may never experience total success. Total success requires total commitment.

To be fair, these are not easy questions to answer. That’s why so many people don’t ask them! If they do ask them, that’s why they lie to themselves or allow themselves to be misled by the feedback they receive.

Don’t be one of those people. Be brave. Be honest with yourself.

The goal of honesty is to not to tear you down and expose you as a fraud. The goal is to reveal your strengths and weaknesses so you can make the necessary adjustments to get closer to living the life of your dreams.

People think the martial arts are all about battling with other people, but you know that’s not true. The first battle—the greatest battle—is with yourself.

If you don’t know yourself, if you can’t control yourself, how can you know and control anyone else?

Therefore, we must be ruthless in finding out who we are. We must be fierce in finding out what’s real. We must keep fighting until we destroy everything false and fraudulent in our lives. If we don’t, we are fools. We are living in a deluded state.

So, be fearless and ask yourself the big questions…

What do you do well? What should you give up?

Are you really living your or are you just going through the motions?

Are you a real fighter… or a studio fighter?

This article is based on Episode #35 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, Can You Really Fight?