#104: Participation Trophies [Video + Podcast]

Welcome to Episode #104 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Participation Trophies.”

Awarding trophies for participation, as opposed to the actual winning of an event, is a controversial topic. But should it be?

Over the years, I’ve seen the good and the bad side of awarding participation trophies… and the crazy side! In the end, my vote is in favor of the practice… depending on HOW it’s executed. In fact, I’d say it’s no different from awarding belt ranks in the martial arts!

In this episode, I’ll share my thoughts on the value of recognizing effort and celebrating first steps on and off the mats. Is it possible that simply showing up to try really is more important than being the best?

Listen to my rant, then let me know what YOU think! Thanks for participating. High-five for you. 🙂

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Participation Trophies

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TRANSCRIPT

Howdy and welcome to episode #104 of Fight for a Happy Life, the show that believes even a little martial arts makes life a whole lot better.

My name is Ando. I’ll be your host, which makes you my guest. Welcome, thanks for showing up. That’s actually what we’re going to talk about today, showing up. Let’s get right to it.

Comedy writer, filmmaker Woody Allen has a quote that’s been attributed to him, and it goes something like this–

80% of success in life is just showing up.

In other words, participate, participation. Now, I have already made a video called The One Move Workout that basically offers up this exact same sentiment. And it came in response to all the emails I get with people who say they don’t have time to work out, or they’re too old, or they’re injured, or they’re losing motivation, and they just don’t know how to set up a workout.

I would always tell them, just do one move. Even just do one move one time, because if you do that first move, you’re likely to do the second move. And if you do a couple of moves, you’ll probably do a set. And if you do one set, you’ll probably then keep going and do a second set. One thing will lead to another.

What’s the most important part? What’s the most difficult part? Getting started.

So really, even in fairness for that video or that idea, before you can do the one rep, before you pick that one exercise, you have to show up. Go to the gym, go to your martial arts class, go into that part of your home where you work out, and get there first. Just get there. Then you can move on to the first exercise and first rep.

So participation is really what it’s all about. Just showing up. Should you get an award for that? Ah, now we’re into kind of a controversial topic. Participation trophies.

If you talk about participation trophies, you’ll find a lot of people immediately roll their eyes and say, ugh, that’s the reason for the downfall of Western civilization. Every child feels like a winner or is made to feel like a winner. There’s no such thing as first, second, or third place. Everybody’s equal. Giving everybody a trophy for everything is a scourge.

All right, well, I’ve worked with kids for a long time, and I’ve handed out participation trophies. So let me offer my point of view on that subject…

Any idea is good or bad based on how it’s executed. That’s my opinion. Any idea can be good or bad depending on how you do it, how you run it.

For instance, martial arts. How do you feel about belt ranking? Right off the bat, you’ll probably get a couple of camps again. One is going to roll their eyes and the other one is going to say, no, they’re an important tool.

In the beginning, let’s say Judo, early Karate, they came up with this idea about belt ranking, right? And there was black and there was white. Sound like a good idea? Well, it’s not that bad, is it? Even if you’re against belts, at least it kind of made a gesture to say, okay, you guys are brand new. You’re the white belts. You guys have been here for a while, so why don’t you wear the black belts?

So at a glance, I at least know who I’m talking to, beginners and some advanced people. Not a bad idea. All right, we’re on board so far.

Then someone said, well, but there are people who’ve been here kind of in the middle. We don’t want them to give up. So how about a brown belt? Yeah, but then there’s some people who’ve been here a little less, but we want to encourage them. How about a green belt? And then so on and so on.

Over the decades, not just in this country, yellow, orange, blue, red, purple, purple, polka dot, camouflage, gold, silver, you name it. Now, is that still a good idea?

What about adding stripes? It’s not enough that you have all these colored belts. Most schools, many schools, put stripes on those belts. One, two, three, four, five, many. Right off the bat, you might walk into a school, maybe they have 10 different color belts, and each one has three to five stripes on it.

So now how many ranks, I’m not a math guy, but it seems like right away now you have 30 to 50 different rankings in that school. Is that still a good idea?

I’m not here to judge your school or your beliefs. I’m just pointing out that an idea can be as simple as two belts or as complex as 50 belts. Good or bad? I think it depends again on how it’s executed. Is there meaning behind each one of those rankings?

The Good and the Bad

Like I said, I’ve handed out Participation Trophies. I’ve dealt with the extremes and I’ll give you those two extremes right now. Let me give you the crazy one.

Yeah, I’m going to say this mom was crazy. Here’s an example of the worst side of Participation Trophies.

In the school, we were running a tournament, so usually a limit of 12 to 15 kids, something like that. So we put up the flyers, Hey, participate in this tournament. And this is for kids 4 and 5 years old.

Three days out from the tournament date, only two kids have signed up. So what we typically do is say, Well, that’s not much of a tournament. Let’s postpone it until we can get some more sign ups. No problem. So we postpone the tournament.

Next day, get a hot call from a mom. This will be the crazy mom. Get this hot call from this mom who says, How dare you cancel that tournament! I had grandma coming in. It was going to be a big family event. We’ve already planned the whole day around that tournament.

I calmly say, Oh, I didn’t see your name on the roster. Did you already sign up for it? No, we hadn’t signed up for it yet. Oh, okay. So point for me on that one. How am I supposed to organize an event if I don’t even know if you’re coming?

But now here’s the crazy part. You ready?

She says, she demands, she yells, I still want a trophy for my kid. He’s so disappointed. He was so looking forward to participating in that tournament. I feel he should still get a trophy for it.

Now, I’m a professional and I’m kind. So I talk her through this, as opposed to just laughing and hanging up and canceling them immediately.

What are you talking about? The kid’s four years old. You’re telling me, I mean– I don’t believe for a moment this child is sitting there, anticipating the event, imagining getting a trophy and grandma’s proud of him. I don’t believe any of that for a moment. This is a mom, from her heart, wanting something for her child that she believes will make him feel great.

Again, I’m not saying bad mom, I just think in this case a little crazy not seeing the bigger picture here. The crazy part being awarding a trophy, not just for participating but for not participating. For sitting at home doing nothing.

And then can you imagine that presentation of being handed a trophy and the kid looking up like, Well, what’s this for? Oh, you know, the tournament that we were going to do? No, I don’t remember.

Anyway, that will be the one extreme of absolute nonsense, bad execution. If you give that kid a trophy, that is badly executed. Terrible idea.

Let’s go to the other extreme for a second.

Let’s say the school’s got 200 kids in it and you have this opportunity for a tournament. Is that a sell out? Not always the case. Let’s say you get 8 kids out of 200 who show up. And again, these can be young kids from 4 to 10.

And let me be clear, when you have children working with you, many of them are terrified at stepping into a tournament situation. Crying, fighting with their parents in the car won’t come out of the car. Maybe they come into the school, but now they won’t put their uniform on. Maybe now they won’t step into the dojo.

Maybe they step into the dojo and then they have a meltdown and start crying. Maybe they participate in one or two events and then have a meltdown and have to be escorted out of the building. What do you say to those kids?

They did the hardest part in my mind. If you’re a 4 year old, a 5 year old, up to 10. Whatever. It’s not easy to get out of your house, the comfort and security of your bedroom, put on a uniform, drive across town, show up to an event, be put on the spot, perform, do this, do that. There’s clocks, there’s measurements, there’s clapping, there’s all kinds of stress from competition.

Shouldn’t there be something to offer that human being to let them know, Hey, we celebrate the fact that you showed up? 190 other kids said, No way, we’re not going. Even if you excuse the ones who are playing soccer or had other family commitments, I get that, but still my point is, the vast majority choose not to participate.

So for the ones who get through that barrier, the emotional fears and the psychological insecurities to show up, stand up, get in there, try your best, win or lose, I don’t mind giving that kid a trophy and saying good for you for being here today. I think that’s a well done execution of the idea of a Participation Trophy.

Now let me be clear, that trophy doesn’t say first place on it. The way we figured it out was, hey, these are young human beings, we want to encourage them to try things, so let’s give them a trophy for being here and going through this, but then we’ll also give medals for whoever comes in first. They should get an additional award.

You were first place, so therefore you get the award on top of the trophy just for being here in the first place. Is that so wrong? Is that so bad? In my opinion, that was a healthy way to explain an award, and that’s the key here.

In the case of Participation Trophies and the subject of participation in general, you have to be clear about why you’re giving the award to someone. What is this for?

If you give a trophy to anybody, but particularly the young, and say, You’re a winner. You’re equal to everybody. We’re all the same. Well, no, that’s not true. That’s a lie. And that will blow up in someone’s face at some point. Then it does become entitlement. It does become a false sense of confidence and competence. That doesn’t make sense.

But if you say, this is because you were here. You left the comfort of your home, you stood up to your fears, and you participated today, that’s a big deal because most people didn’t. Most people did not answer the call. So we’re proud of you just for that.

And believe it or not, they will still cry if they didn’t win, and that’s fine. That’s the emotional journey now. Bcause most human beings, if one person gets something, we all want something. So when you have that extra tier of, Well, you weren’t the fastest person today, or you didn’t do the most reps of something, well, that’s why he got the medal. They still get the life lesson if you execute this well.

All right, that’s my point.

The big thing is, I believe it’s totally proper to encourage people and award people, not just for being number one, but for participating, for effort in life. That’s ultimately going to be more important than always winning, because we don’t always win. We’re not all number one. That’s a small number of people.

But if the alternative is, don’t participate, don’t even try, because you’re not great, because you won’t be a legend at this, then why would anybody do anything? If they haven’t understood the great feeling that you get just from participating, that it’s something joyful. And if in the beginning you need a little outside, extrinsic reward to make you see how cool it is and you get something for it.

I think it’s hard for some people if they go through first experience and they get nothing. They just feel like they lost and then it’s done. Maybe they don’t want to do it next time because not only did they have a hard time getting there, now they feel humiliated.

Yeah, losing is a good lesson, don’t get me wrong. But that’s a secondary lesson. The first lesson is good for you for putting yourself out there, man, because that’s not easy.

All right, so one category of participation that should also be celebrated, I think, is creation. Creation of any kind. This reminds me of a quote from another comedy writer, Steve Martin. You know him. And I don’t recall the exact wording of this, but this was the idea.

This was at the time when he had a movie come out called Bowfinger’s Big Thing. I was actually an extra on that movie. You can’t see me, but I was on the set for a day. When that movie came out, there were plenty of bad reviews for the movie. And typical, that’s normal. But what I loved was his response.

I heard him in an interview and he said, Gee, I thought the movie was pretty good considering that when I started, it was just a blank sheet of paper. Now isn’t that great? I think that’s fantastic because people just take the creative process for granted.

Once again, it’s not easy to create something, whether it’s making a video, writing a song, getting up on stage to perform a poem, to start a business, to start a family, to start a new job, starting a class in martial arts, starting anything. Creating a new career path.

It’s not easy to create and put yourself out there in that way, like a tournament. Creation is difficult. So you take for granted that, Oh well, someone had to have their own volition, sit down, face that fear, face that insecurity, put something down, and then share it and say, Look what I’ve done. Look what I’ve created.

Particularly a movie which takes years to put together, right? And spends millions of dollars and employs all these people. And some jokes work, some don’t. And they put this whole thing together after years of work and thinking, and you put it out there, and then some person who just sees it for an hour and a half just goes, No, I don’t like it. It’s no good, it stinks.

Like, wow. So you just completely devalue the entire creative process that it took even just to put this in front of you. That’s not cool.

So that’s another point to think about. The encouragement of the participation, the encouragement of creation. Because we’re not here for very long, my friend. I think those things should be celebrated and encouraged.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m older now, right? I’m 51. When I was younger, I was a critic– don’t like that. That’s ridiculous. That’s stupid. And now I see, though, as I’ve gotten older, what’s really important. When I was young, I just thought, Oh, if it’s not the best, it’s no good. If you’re not number one, I’m not interested.

But as you get older, and the numbers start coming in, you realize how many things have you done that are number one, that’s the best in the world? Probably not a lot. But that doesn’t mean you’re a loser. That doesn’t mean you’re not a winner. It just means there’s only room for a few of the best. And that’s subjective, largely, unless you’re the fastest person alive or something. That’s measurable.

So as I got older, I realized that’s what I should be respecting. Someone’s initial effort and then their continuation. And the one example that always pops into my head is Barry Manilow. You know Barry Manilow, the singer/ performer? When I was a kid, it was very fashionable to make fun of Barry Manilow.

He was very successful, singer, songwriter, performer, but it was just pretty, you know, compared to the pop artists and the people who were cool on MTV, Barry Manilow or even Neil Diamond or Tony Bennett before he had his Renaissance period, these people were made fun of.

And then one day, I’ll never forget, I was late 30s and just flipping around the channels and they had a Barry Manilow concert on. And I had reached an age where I saw him with new eyes and new ears. I said, Well, look at this guy. His voice isn’t so bad. That’s a pretty darn good song he just sang. And he wrote that. And he’s still doing this and he still loves this after decades. He’s still going. Good for you, man. That’s awesome.

And then immediately, Neil Diamond, unbelievable. Look at this legacy you’ve been creating all this time. Even though you have your critics and ups and downs, but you’re still going, doing what you love. When life could be so cruel and try to stop you in so many different ways and you’re still going. Not right now.

Tony Bennett, I believe I just saw him. He’s 92, I think, with Alzheimer’s. He just performed maybe his last concert. He’s still going, still sounds great, but even if he didn’t, he’s up there on that stage and he’s doing something he loves.

At some point, that’s what you have to celebrate and you clap for it. And that’s a form of a trophy. You say, Good job, I’m going to clap for that. I’m going to tell people that I think you’re cool. I’m not afraid about that. I don’t care what anybody else is saying.

Oh, he doesn’t sound that good. Oh, he’s pretty old. Oh, how sad.

Shut up. What are you doing? And what will you be doing when you’re 92 and suffering? Will you still find joy in your life? Are you still going to be creating and doing and sharing? Hope so.

That’s the point of what I wanted to say today. Show up. Create. Do. Join. Start. Take that first step.

Don’t worry about being number one. Don’t worry about being great at it. Don’t worry about the success. The success is starting.

If you let the critics stop you, whether that’s the critic in your own head or the critics outside, they win. They win. You’ll never even come close to a success in any form, on any level, if you listen to the critics and the fears and the insecurities and the doubts. It doesn’t just doesn’t work that way.

You got to get up. You got to get out there and do it. And celebrate it.

How do you feel when you see someone in their 50s or 60s join your dojo? Starting Karate or BJJ for the first time, and they’re older.

Now honestly, like I said, when I was younger, I would think, Ugh, what a drag. I don’t have to spar with them. I don’t want to break them. Wow, they’re going to slow me down. I’m on a path to greatness here. I’m trying to be number one. This person clearly will never be number one. This is a waste of time for them. Why are they even here?

What a jerk. What an immature attitude. Now I get it, because I’m 51, and I started BJJ when I was older. I was like 40. Starting internal arts, older.

Now I have nothing but respect for those people, because I’ve lived long enough to know how hard it is to be the new person. Especially when you already know your time for being great has passed. It’s gone now. Your body won’t be able to put up those repetitions or go through those contests that everyone is watching to earn that championship belt. It’s too late for that.

So your scale is on something completely different, right? You’re being measured now on something else. Your effort, your spirit, your perseverance, your ability to make the most of what you have. And that’s the case for most of us.

Most people are not going to be the best, like I said. So we have to judge ourselves on these other qualities. Participation being number one. Because if you don’t show up to start it, you’ll never be able to prove your perseverance. You won’t be able to prove how tough you are or what a good student you are or how kind you are. You won’t even be there. You’ll be at home, hiding.

But the kid who’s crying under his bed? We cheer for that 90-year-old who’s testing for their first belt in Karate. We cheer for the little kid who was crying in the car but then came in and tried their best and worked hard and stood up to their fears. We cheer for both of them on the age extremes, young and old. But why should any age not be part of that celebration?

A teenager, you’re not going to be the best. I still celebrate that you’re on the team, that you’re trying. Didn’t make the team? I still celebrate that you came out and even tried to get on the team. Hope you come back next year.

I feel that it’s always scary to start something new. It’s always scary to sign up for that new class. It’s always scary to put yourself at the mercy of a new teacher or a new company or ask that person out on a date. All of it is scary. That’s why we should celebrate it.

Then once you get past that first hump of “I took the first step”, it’s difficult to continue to keep going. You’re a human being. You know this. You know it from your childhood. You know it from your adolescence. It never changes. If you’re young and you’re listening to me, it never changes. It only gets harder. But it shouldn’t.

You should not only make it easier on yourself to start things and try things and not care what other people think. you should be the first one to encourage other people to do the same thing. You should be the first one to clap for someone that you see signing up, getting on board, stepping into that room for the first time. Because you’ve been there. You know how hard it is.

So be the first person to cheer. Be the first person to go over to the new guy, give him a smile and a handshake and say, welcome. I hope you do well here. Be the first person to slap someone on the back and say, good job. I really like what you’re doing here. That’s really all I wanted to say.

Be fearless in your power of participation and celebrate other people participating. Because life is short. Life is short. And if you let these opportunities go by and you don’t participate, I believe that’s usually the number one sorrow, or the number one pain point, for senior citizens, for older people. They say, I don’t regret the things I did, I regret the things I didn’t do.

Don’t be one of those people. I don’t want to be one of those people. Even as I’m saying this, I’m thinking of things I always wanted to do and I haven’t done. I need to participate more. I’m guilty of it too. I let the fears get the better of me.

Martial arts helps me get past those. Because it’s never easy to get punched in the face. It’s never easy to get tackled and put on your back. It’s never easy. But getting in there and doing it, I’ve never driven home from a class. I may have gone into a class a little anxious, but I’ve never left a class feeling that way. I always go home feeling proud of myself for being there. Then I can figure out whether that black eye was worth it or not. But I never feel bad for at least I showed up. Ever.

So, my challenge to you, my friend, participate. Show up. And I don’t just mean for martial arts. Show up for every part of your life.

Participate with your family as much as that is healthy for you. Show up for them.

Show up for your friends. Participate as much as you can, as much as they can take your advice and support and help and love. Show up. Show up for them.

Show up for your career, your job. Do a good job. Care about what you’re doing. You owe that to yourself, first of all, integrity. And if people are paying you for it, you owe them that. If you don’t feel like you’re getting paid enough, well, then deal with that. But don’t blame them if you don’t feel like you’re in the wrong job, not getting paid enough, but then you’re quiet about it, well, do something about it.

Show up for your health. Show up for your happiness. Show up to make your life as happy as you can, okay, because it’s your responsibility first.

And along the way, I think you’ll find, as you participate, learning becomes your trophy. Laughing, enjoying that process, laughing at yourself, laughing at life, becomes another trophy that you can put up on your shelf. Your improvement, you’re not number one, but you’re getting better. You’re using what you’ve got. That becomes a trophy.

And who knows, along the way, no matter what age you are, if someone actually hands you a real trophy, take it, be proud of yourself, and put a picture of it up on your social media. Don’t be embarrassed to celebrate participation.

All right, that’s my rant for today. Thank you so much for showing up here. Now it’s time for you to go show up someplace else. Go participate, go create, go get something done.

Until I see you next time, smiles up my friend. Let that smile be your shield and your sword. Keep fighting for a happy life.