How To Win Every Argument

Ever wished you knew how to win every argument? The secret may be simpler than you think.

Years ago, I was getting ready for work when I heard a knock at the door. A pair of young, religious fellows greeted me with a question: “Do you have a moment to talk about God?”

I answered, “Sorry, I don’t have time for a whole argument.”

“Oh, we don’t want to argue,” the young man smiled, “we just want to talk!” I had to laugh at the misunderstanding. Like most people, he equated the word “argument” with “fight.” But that’s not what I meant at all!

As a member of the debate team in high school and a big fan of philosophy in college, I grew accustomed to using the word argument to mean discussion. Far from fighting, an argument to a philosopher is the art of persuasion. It’s the act of setting down premises and drawing a conclusion in the hopes of bringing someone around to your way of thinking.

And I fear argument is becoming a lost art!

Because many people consider arguing to be the same as fighting, they feel noble avoiding arguments. But would anyone be proud to say they avoid having discussions? Or avoiding disagreements?

Would the world be a better place if no one discussed anything? Or if everyone agreed on everything?

NO. There’s nothing noble about avoiding disagreement. Disagreement not only makes life interesting, it offers an opportunity to see life from a different perspective…which opens the door to learning something new.

Sad to say, but many people seem threatened by the very act of listening to an opposing point of view! As if their mind will be changed against their will the minute they stop shouting down the other guy.

In case it isn’t clear, my friends, listening to a different point of view doesn’t mean you agree with it. Listening may, however, lead to understanding it a bit better.

That’s why I love martial arts–closed-minded thinking will get you hurt. Feedback when you’re fighting is immediate and clear. Either you got hit or you didn’t. If you think high kicking is the greatest fighting technique ever developed and refuse to believe you can be tackled, there’s a good chance you’ll soon be tackled and smeared on the ground like butter on a bagel.

In martial arts, to survive and thrive, it’s essential to keep an open mind and respect what other styles of have to offer. And that means listening to a different point of view.

So, you want to know how to win every argument? Start by recognizing that argumentation is the tool of the wise. Only a tyrant or a fool would mistake his or her personal truth for the one and only truth. Smart leaders make sure to surround themselves with dissenters who can share multiple truths in order to make the best decisions possible.

The back and forth of a good argument not only teaches you about others, it teaches you about yourself!

As you answer objections, you are motivated to dig deeper into your own experience, information, and communication skills in the hopes of making a better case. In this way, resistance can make your argument stronger, not threaten its existence.

Consider space travel. In orbit, astronauts are freed from the chains of gravity and can float freely. And what happens? Atrophy! Muscles shrink. Bones gets brittle. Strength decreases. Ladies and gentlemen, it turns out gravity is good for you! From the day you were born, you have needed a force to work against you, to literally pull you down, in order to make you stronger and healthier.

The same is true of your mind. Disagreement is gravity. Arguments are exercise.

So, if we can agree that disagreement is good, and arguments are worth having, now let’s figure out how to win every argument that we face. What’s the secret to winning? Consider this quote from French writer Joseph Joubert.

The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.

That’s it! Stop thinking about arguments as competitions where there must be a winner and loser and you’ll never have to worry about winning and losing!

Admit it. Most of us enter into an argument with the dream of hearing the other person say, “You know what–I am 100% wrong. You are absolutely right!” But how often does that happen? (Really–has that ever happened?) Only in soap operas do people scream and yell one moment, then crumble and cry the next. Newsflash–

People do not like to admit when they’re wrong! And that includes YOU!

Admit this, too. You’ve been in arguments and realized you were wrong right in the middle of making your case. But did you stop yourself and say, “Wait–forget everything I just said. I’m 100% wrong.” Probably not. More likely, you wrapped up your case, slammed the door, and moved on with your day.

But that doesn’t mean you didn’t change your mind later. Or learned something new. You just didn’t give the other guy the satisfaction of knowing it!

Emotions and ego are the real enemies, not “the other guy”. They turn an argument from being a neutral exchange of ideas into a kill-or-be-killed battle of wills. Once an argument gets personal, the hope for learning and progress is quickly lost.

But imagine entering into an argument without a competitive mindset. Think about the precious time and energy you will save trying to defend your ego from the pain and humiliation of “losing.”

Now you know how to win every argument!

Don’t make arguing personal. View it instead as a neutral opportunity to share ideas…to plant some seeds of understanding in the other person…and to better understand someone else’s point of view.

In short, view the process of arguing as a learning process. Even if voices get raised. Even if they call you names. That’s how you always win.

But what if you’re willing to listen and the other guy isn’t? What if they refuse to hear what you’re saying? Now isn’t arguing just a big waste of time?

NO. It’s only a waste of time if you don’t listen. You can’t control whether or not someone listens to you, but that’s their loss, not yours! Don’t let their mistake keep you from growing.

But here’s the funny thing–when you argue without any motivation to “win,” you’ll likely find the other guy more willing to hear what you have to say. DING DING! That transforms your win into a win-win.

Thanks to martial arts, I’ve grown better at not taking resistance and dissent personally. When you think about it, fighting is just a disagreement being expressed physically. So, if you can keep your cool when someone punches you in the face, who cares about being hit with a strong opinion?

But what about outside a martial arts class? What if you get mugged? What if someone tries to kill you? Is it possible to defend yourself in a real fight without a competitive mindset? Without a burning desire to win?

YES!

Remember, if you allow emotions and ego into a disagreement–verbal or physical–you’re going to find yourself at a disadvantage. As we discussed in “Are You a Fighter,” you always want to give yourself choices. While it’s true that stepping up to a troublemaker is a good strategy, it’s also true that stepping back is sometimes a better strategy.

But controlling your ego and emotions takes practice. The easiest way to start is by welcoming disagreements and arguments into your everyday life…and managing them better.

How do you feel when someone says something you disagree with? It’s not much different than a slap in the face, is it? Your heart rate increases and you feel an urge to say or do something. It feels very personal.

In that moment, it’s so easy to say or do something you regret, or is not strategically wise. When you are motivated to shut someone down and win at all costs, your ego and emotions will put you in danger and make a bad situation worse.

So, here are two challenges for you. Two challenges that will whip your mind into shape as you manage arguments and the feelings that go along with them.

1) SAY NOTHING.  The next time you hear someone spouting ideas that you disagree with, listen. Don’t change the channel. Don’t walk away. Don’t speak over them. Don’t call them an idiot in your head. Just…listen.

Slow your breathing. Relax your shoulders. Don’t get emotionally affected. Evaluate their argument as a simple set of premises and a conclusion. Is it true? Is it valid?

2) SAY SOMETHING. Once you have the ability to put feelings of winning and losing aside, speak up. For example: when most people see a preacher shouting religious tenets on a street corner, they walk by quickly. They figure he’s either crazy or too deeply invested into his own ways to listen to what they have to say. Talk to him anyway!

So what if he has different ideas? That’s the whole point of engaging him–to learn and understand. And don’t forget–you’ll strengthen your own argument in the process! It doesn’t matter who you’re up against or what the topic is. Engage anyone and everyone to see what can be gained. Don’t worry–you can always walk away.

My friends, the art of argumentation must not be lost. Arguments are a dynamic opportunity to learn, grow, understand, and share your point of view. If you do it right, you’ll also receive one of life’s greatest treasures…

At some point during your disagreement, you will hear yourself say these priceless words–“I never thought of that.”

There are few moments more profound than having a new thought. A revelation. That moment when, in an instant, a new idea pops into your head and changes your life for the better. Forever.

Arguing is a path littered with such treasures. You just have to dig a little.

So, now you know how to win every argument. The next time someone disagrees with you or wants to argue, get excited! You’re about to collect treasures that far too many people leave buried in the dirt.

This article is a summary of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Win Every Argument.” Listen to the full episode here.