How to Give Good Advice

Good advice is like gold—valuable, but hard to find. Bad advice is like dirt… or manure. It’s everywhere and stinks. Which is why I hate practicing martial arts in front of other people.

I hate practicing in front of other people because there’s always somebody with something to say. Yes, once in a while, someone will ask, “Are you doing Kung Fu? Cool! I’ve always wanted to do Kung Fu!”

I love that person. Unfortunately, that’s not who usually approaches me. Usually, it’s a critic—a crazy critic. Example…

I was working out at a football field. The stadium was empty except for one middle-aged guy jogging around the track. Still, not taking any chances, I moved behind the bleachers so I wouldn’t attract his attention…

It didn’t work. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the guy stop jogging and walking across the field in my direction.

I knew what he was going to say. Sure enough, he called over—

“Hey—you’re doing that wrong.”

No “hello”. No “how’s it going”? Just walked up and punched me in the face with a critique.

Now, I’m not saying this guy was evil. I’m sure he meant well. Which is why, when I get sucker punched with advice, my reaction is always the same—

Smile… nod… take the criticism… say thank you.

In this case, the fellow told me that when I do an upward block, I have to step out of the way in case I miss.

What he didn’t know, what he couldn’t see, was that I wasn’t practicing upward blocks! That’s just what he thinks he saw.

Because he didn’t know what I was doing, his advice was completely worthless and a waste of time.

The same thing happens at the gym. Even when I purposely train at off-hours… even when I purposely wait for everyone to clear out so I can be alone… once I start working the bags, out of the corner of my eye, here comes another critic—

“Hey—you’re doing that wrong.”

The critics have told me to turn my hand when I punch. Or add more snap. Or raise my shoulder.

Good advice? Sure… if I was punching!

But what they didn’t know, what they couldn’t see, is that I wasn’t punching. It just looked like a punch.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I love advice. I want advice. I pay good money for advice. I drive across town for advice. But there’s a big difference between good advice and bad advice. Between smart, constructive criticism and meaningless, mean-spirited criticism.

Unfortunately, the world—and definitely the world of martial arts—is filled with crazy critics. I talked about this in Karate Is Stupid and Other Ignorant Comments.

• Tai Chi? Too slow.
• Aikido? Unrealistic.
• Tae Kwon Do? Too fancy.
• BJJ? Get off the ground.
• Systema? What—that crazy Russian spy stuff?

In the world of martial arts, making fun of other styles is as common as bowing. But it goes deeper than that. Even within your own style and within your own school, I’ll bet you’re hit with empty criticism and bad advice.

Example 1. You’re practicing a kata or a drill. Your teacher gives you a correction. Maybe he or she tells you to slow down and make your movements flow into one another.

So, you practice your moves slower and with more flow. Your teacher sees this and walks over, but instead of saying, “Good job!” tells you, “You’re too slow. Your techniques should snap.”

You nod with a smile, but secretly, you’re thinking, “Snap? I’m only moving slowly because you told me to! Make up your mind!”

Example 2. You’re sparring. Your partner stops and says, “Hey—use your kicks. I keep giving you openings and you never take them.”

You nod with a smile, but secretly, you’re thinking, “I’m not working on kicks right now, I’m working on punches. In fact, I’m trying NOT to throw kicks. And by the way, you’re not that great, either, so how about you just focus on you and I’ll focus on me. Okay, hotshot?”

Again, I’m not saying your teachers and fellow students are jerks. They want to help. Yes, sometimes they may give you advice just to boost their own ego or to remind you that they’re your senior, but that’s okay!

If an egomaniac gives me good advice, that’s a win-win situation—I learn and they feel important. The trouble starts when their advice misses the mark. Or makes no sense. Or doesn’t apply to you.

When that happens, their bad advice might make them feel better, but it only makes you want to strangle them with their own belt.

So, that raises the question—what’s the difference between a smart critic and a crazy critic? Simple…

The crazy critic gives you advice before knowing what you’re doing or why you’re doing it.

They shoot without aiming. Which makes about as much sense as throwing a life jacket to someone standing in the desert. Or jumping on someone’s chest when they fall asleep and administering CPR.

In the words of Max Bialystock, “Don’t help me!”

Sadly, there’s no solution for stopping people from giving you bad advice… although training alone in the basement with the lights off is a good start. But can we stop ourselves from being a crazy critic?

Can you be sure that you’re giving good advice when you’re the teacher, when you’re the training partner, when you’re the stranger walking up to make a comment, when you’re the outsider looking through the window of another school?

Yes!

How to Give Good Advice

Here are two challenges to help make you a smart critic. If you accept them, I think you’ll find yourself saving time, growing smarter, helping others, and building a happier life. If you don’t… then you must be crazy!

Challenge #1: If you want to give good advice, ask first, advise second.

That’s it. Aim before you shoot.

Understand that when you begin a conversation with a statement or an opinion, you’re presuming that you see everything there is to see. You lock yourself into viewing life through a filter of your own making. You repeat what you already know. But the fact is—

You can’t see everything. You don’t know everything.

Think of all the different martial arts techniques you could possibly practice…

Now multiply those techniques by the myriad of ways you could practice them…

Now multiply that number by all the different body types, personalities, training goals, and training levels of all students.

You end up with a mind-boggling web of possibilities, right? So, how can anyone presume to know what someone else is doing?

Maybe that punch is actually a sweep. Maybe that person is working on their back foot while you’re watching their front foot. Maybe that person has an injury.

You don’t know! And you’ll never know, or see life clearly, or learn anything new, if you don’t ask a question first.

The funny thing is that when critics gives me bad advice, they don’t even realize that they’re the ones missing out on the opportunity to learn something new or at least see something from a new perspective. They’re so busy telling me what they think, that they don’t get a chance to hear what I think.

No, I’m not saying that every thought in my head is worth hearing, but they’ll never find out if they don’t give me a chance to speak.

So, the next time you want to give advice to someone, STOP.

Is it possible there you’re not seeing the whole picture? Can you enter into a conversation seeking information before sharing information? Will you allow humility to lead you to the possibility of learning something new?

All you have to say is, “What are you doing?” Or, “It looks like you’re working on your punches… am I right?”

That’s how you avoid becoming a crazy critic. Ask first, advise second.

Challenge #2: Stop criticizing… period!

Okay, that’s ridiculous. Criticizing is as natural as breathing! I mean, if stopping criticism is the mark of spiritual enlightenment, then I will die a fool.

So, how about a more realistic challenge? I’ve got one.

But first, can we agree that the vast majority of our critical thoughts are a complete waste of time and energy? You hate this, dislike that, find that man’s voice annoying, can’t understand why she wears those clothes, and on and on and on. It’s a bunch of noise!

Here’s an example of criticism at its noisiest and most worthless…

I mailed a letter the other day. As it happens, the mailbox in my neighborhood is located right in front of a doughnut shop.

As I hopped back in my car, an SUV pulled up and parked next to me. A heavyset woman stepped out and headed into the doughnut shop. I’m not calling her “heavyset” to be mean, it happens to be a fact.

The point is, when I saw her walk into the doughnut shop, I mumbled to myself, “Come on, lady… you don’t need a doughnut.”

I’m not proud of that… but I am shocked! Shocked because the words fell out of my mouth without even thinking, which means either my brain is wired, or has been trained, to criticize all by itself.

And this was worthless criticism! It served no one.

Did my criticism help the woman? No. Did it help me? No. So, what was the point?

There was no point! It was just noise.

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s possible to turn off that noise. We’re critical creatures… which is not always a bad thing.

But if we can’t stop the noise, can we find a way to turn all of that meaningless, negative criticism into constructive, good advice?

Yes!

Challenge #2 (Revised): When you criticize others, criticize yourself, too.

For example, after I criticized the heavyset woman for buying a doughnut, I immediately considered my own diet. It wasn’t pretty…

Believe it or not, that same day—only a couple of hours earlier—I had eaten half a cherry pie for breakfast.

Yup. Not just any pie… a good pie. A $24 pie! I ate the whole thing in less than 24 hours.

So, really, who the heck am I to sneer at a woman I don’t even know for eating a doughnut? That’s hypocritical and ridiculous.

True, I’m not overweight, but there’s nothing healthy about eating a whole pie! I was asking my body to process more junk than she was.

When I realized that, I scolded myself and made a promise to not binge on pies anymore. I also made a promise to spend my money more wisely. I mean, $24 for a pie?

Will those promises last forever? Probably not. But for the next week, I cleaned up my act and led a healthier life.

That’s how we can turn snark into strategy… gossip into good advice.

The moment you shake your head at the guy who lights up a cigarette, STOP. Think about your own breathing. Have you taken a deep breath today?

The moment you shout at the driver who cuts you off in traffic, STOP. Think about your own driving. Are you paying attention or are you distracted by your phone?

The moment you raise an eyebrow at that lazy co-worker, STOP. Think about your own work habits. Are you making the most of your time?

The moment you smirk at that guy in class who throws sloppy side kicks, STOP. Think about your own techniques. Isn’t there something you can improve?

It’s a sad fact that we often make ourselves feel better by pointing out the flaws in others. But when you turn that sharp, critical eye back on yourself, you might discover something interesting—what you criticize most in others is often what disappoints you most about yourself.

Maybe all that criticism isn’t just noise. Maybe it’s you screaming advice at YOU!

If that’s true, then let me ask…

Are you ready to listen to your own advice? Are you ready to take aim at yourself and attack the flaws that bother you so much when you see them in other people?

If you are, then seek to see things clearly. Seek to hear yourself honestly.

That’s how you turn bad advice into good advice. Empty criticism into life-changing wisdom. That’s how you become a wise teacher instead of a crazy critic.

This article is a summary of Episode #39 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, The Crazy Critic.