Emily has been training in the martial arts for over eight years. She’s bright, hard-working, and athletic.
A couple of months ago, Emily and I got together for a private lesson to help her prepare for a second degree black belt test. After a little warm-up, I asked her to perform a kata.
She demonstrated the movements with focus, balance, and power… which was not good enough.
Emily was missing the “fight factor”. That’s what I call the intensity that comes with imagining the kata as a real, combative situation. Without visualization, kata is no longer a martial arts training drill… it’s performance art.
I’d rather see imperfectly executed movements fueled by a fighting mindset than perfectly executed movements fueled by an artistic mindset.
In that spirit, I selected one movement from the kata and asked Emily to repeat it. This time, I asked her to truly imagine that this movement would save her life. She took a breath, got her head together, and then exploded.
The good news? Her execution was faster, stronger, and more intense.
The bad news? She didn’t see it.
Why? Because she blinked.
We all blink, obviously, but I’d say there’s a right time and a wrong time to blink. And blinking at the exact moment when you’re focusing all of your heart and soul into a strike to save your life… well, that’s the wrong time.
In my experience, there are two reasons why people blink while executing their most powerful technique. I should say there are two PSYCHOLOGICAL reasons for blinking. There are also two PHYSICAL reasons…
Physical reasons: 1) We have a natural tendency to squeeze all of our muscles, including our eyes, when we exert ourselves. 2) When it comes to kata, we close our eyes if we don’t know what we’re doing or have stopped imagining what we’re doing.
The physical reasons for blinking are easy to break. The psychological issues, however, require a little more work.
I wasn’t sure which of the two psychological reasons were holding Emily back, so I decided to run a little experiment…
I told Emily to forget the kata and picked up a hand pad. I asked her to palm heel the hand pad as hard as she could.
BOOM! She didn’t blink.
I added back the fight factor. “Imagine a bad guy is coming to kill you. You’ve got one shot to stop him. Go!”
BOOM! She blinked. One more test…
I changed the scenario. I asked her to think about someone she loved—a friend. “Imagine three guys grab your friend, throw her on the ground, and start beating the crap out of her. You are the only one who can save her. Go!”
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Not one blink. Experiment over.
Now, I’m not a psychologist or a doctor, but speaking as a martial artist, here are the two psychological reasons why you might close your eyes when you imagine hitting someone in a fight.
Reason #1: You don’t want to hurt someone.
Ever. Even under attack. Even when every natural law and court of law would say you are justified in fighting back, it just doesn’t feel right.
So, in a martial arts class, where you’re asked to visualize smashing someone in the face, breaking someone’s arm, hitting someone with a stick, or cutting someone with a knife, you close your eyes.
You literally don’t want to see yourself doing something like that. It’s too ugly. It’s too mean.
If that sounds like you—get over it! Stop reading this article and check out these instead: Your Right to Fight and Make Peace With Violence.
But not wanting to hurt someone was not Emily’s issue. I know that because she had no problem keeping her eyes open when she was defending her friend.
Nope. When Emily was in superhero mode, she stared right at the pad and hit it with more power and intensity than at any other time in our lesson. Which reveals she didn’t have a problem fighting back… she only had a problem fighting for herself!
Reason #2 for closing your eyes: You don’t believe you’re worth defending.
This is a recurring issue in self-defense classes. Many nice people simply do not believe they are worth defending. Which is tragic.
Tragic because in self-defense and in life, there is no belief more damaging or dangerous than low self-worth. To build a happy life and to fight to save it, you must first believe you are valuable enough to deserve protection.
At this point, I sat down on the mats with Emily to point out what I had noticed. I asked her—
If the situation was reversed and you were being beaten, do you think your friend would try to save you?
Yes.
Can you think of anyone else who would fight for you?
Yes.
In fact, the list of heroes was quite long. Friends, family, co-workers… she could even imagine strangers fighting to protect her. Which begs the question—
If other people, including people who don’t even know you, believe you’re worth defending, why don’t you?
Of course, the answer is she is worth defending. And so are you. Don’t ever doubt it.
Which is why you should fight. Fight for your friends, fight for your family, fight for anyone who needs your help… and fight for yourself.
So far, we’ve been talking about blinking in an extreme situation—fighting for your life. But what about in everyday life?
Do you know anyone who closes their eyes when they tell you a story? Or looks down when they tell you how they feel? Or turns away when they hear something that makes them uncomfortable?
Of course you do. You can see people blinking, flinching, and wilting all the time. Even when there is no threat. At least not a physical threat. A threat to our self-image is another story.
When people close their eyes during a conversation, I always wonder, where are you going? Why are you hiding?
What happened to you in your life, or didn’t happen to you, that causes you to put up a barrier—the skin thin barrier of an eyelid—between you and the world?
By now, I hope you’re thinking about your own eye habits. Do you ever feel yourself avoiding eye contact? Do you ever tell yourself to look someone in the eye but struggle to actually do it?
Do you ever blink or flinch at the exact moment when you need to be fully committed? How often do you turn away or pull back when you know you should be staring and marching straight ahead?
Do you flinch in the face of success?
To be clear, I’m not talking about blinking, flinching, or turning away when action is being taken against us. I’m talking about blinking, flinching, or turning away when we’re the ones taking action.
When we fail to follow-up or follow-through on a commitment. When we’ve set a goal or taken on a project, only to find out that our heart isn’t in it. When we head off in a direction only to feel part of our soul dragging behind like an anchor, holding us back.
How often do you not believe in what you’re doing?
Think about all of the roles you play in life— family member, friend, worker, partner, citizen, parent, leader, student—when do you see yourself using 100% of your power?
When do you see yourself using all of your energy, all of your enthusiasm, and all of your talents?
Now think about when you hold back. Why do you do that? Why do you focus your energy, enthusiasm, and talents into some parts of your life, but not others?
I know for me, when I feel myself holding back or flinching in the face of success, it’s usually because I’ve lost the reason, or realize I never had a reason, for trying my hardest. Without purpose, without motivation, I go through the motions.
Other times, I hold back on purpose. I would call that control. For example, when I get excited talking about martial arts, food, movies, or whatever, I tend to rant. When I catch myself ranting, I break eye contact because I know my intensity can make other people uncomfortable.
On the other hand, there are times when I purposely hold eye contact to make sure people feel my full intensity. Which brings me to…
My Car Salesman Story
When I was around 19, I needed to buy a new car. This was 1989, before the internet, so I was on my own, walking lots and kicking tires.
Eventually, I found a Plymouth Sundance with a sticker price of $6700. It was perfect. Not only was it black, it had a turbo engine. That car was my Batmobile!
Now, here comes the part you won’t believe…
I took the car out for a test drive and the engine started to smoke. It not only smoked, it broke down. That’s right—my dream car had to be towed back to the dealer.
But I still wanted it!
When I got back to the lot, the salesman sat me down and assured me that everything would be fixed. And I believed him. So, all that was left to do was negotiate the price.
The problem—aside from buying a smoking car—was that I had never negotiated for anything in my life. The whole concept made me sick to my stomach. But I knew I was supposed to try.
So, I looked into my lap and mumbled, “Is that the best you can do on the price?”
The salesman said, “Yeah, I can’t let it go for any less than that.”
I knew I was being screwed. I summoned up all of my courage and replied, “Okay.”
Yes, it’s painful to admit, but it’s a fact—I paid full sticker price for a smoking car that had to be towed back to the lot.
When the time came to buy my next car, I vowed to be better prepared. I even went to the library to read books on negotiating. The one tip that made the biggest impression? Maintain eye contact.
Don’t look down. Don’t let the salesman make you feel stupid or uncomfortable. Set your price and use your eyes to show him you’re serious.
My wife and I eventually found a used, two-door Mazda 3 hatchback with a sticker price of $7100. My wife was happy to accompany me on my car quest because she knew how badly I had been suckered on the Batmobile.
Talk about pressure! I not only needed to prove to myself I could negotiate, I needed to prove to my wife that I could make a stand. Here’s what happened…
We sat down with the salesman. I said I would pay $6500. The salesman said no. He said $7100 was as low as he could go.
I was ready for that. I looked him in the eye, “Maybe that car is worth more than $6500… but not to me. I’m only going to pay $6500.”
And then it began. I stared at him. He stared at me. Neither one of us said another word. We just sat there.
I remember the sound of cars buzzing by outside. I remember the sun gleaming off his bald head.
I can’t tell you how long we stared at each other, but if you ask my wife, she’ll tell you it felt like f-o-r-e-v-e-r.
But it didn’t feel awkward because I believed in what I was doing 100%. And in the end…
Vindication! He looked down, picked up his papers, and said he would talk to his manager. I won.
I couldn’t believe it. Neither could my wife. To this day, when she thinks I’m getting pushed around, she’ll say, “Remember that time when you stared down that car salesman?”
Yes, dear. Yes, I do.
Thanks to those two car-buying experiences, I know the pain and humiliation that comes with not believing in what I’m doing, and the satisfaction that comes with committing myself 100%.
I’m sure you have stories just like mine. Times when you stood your ground and felt like a hero… times when you backed down and felt like a heel.
We have both of these capabilities within us—to step forward in our lives as heroes or heels. The only question is what are you willing to fight for? Which battles will you choose? What will it take to unleash your full power?
I suspect many people never ask themselves these questions. They pursue goals without knowing why. They take action without a sense of purpose or righteousness. Their motives float in a gray area.
I’m not saying it’s easy to pick your battles. Life can be confusing. It can be difficult to feel 100% confident when taking a stand. However, when you do find something that is clear to you, you must not flinch.
When you’re fighting for your life, fighting for the security of your family, fighting for a friendship, fighting for the life of your business, fighting for a just cause, you must not look away. You must not blink. Even for a moment.
It only takes a split second to blink, but that split second is your chance to transform from being ordinary to extraordinary. From enjoying ordinary success to enjoying extraordinary success.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is just that little extra.” Jimmy Johnson
Emily was a good martial artist, but she was not extraordinary. Not until she combined the powers of her mind, body, and spirit into one focused action. Once she did that, she not only was at her best, she inspired me to be my best.
On your death bed, I don’t think your deepest regret will be losing a fight or failing at a goal. I believe your greatest regret will be knowing that you didn’t try your best. That you held back.
Don’t let that happen to you. If you’re holding back, figure out why. Why don’t you believe 100% in what you’re doing? Why do you feel uncomfortable giving something your all?
You may discover there’s just one simple reason that’s keeping you from breaking through to a new level of success. Or you may finally realize that you’ve been fighting the wrong battle.
Whichever battles you and I choose, as martial artists, as seekers of enlightenment, we must be prepared to fight with all of our power. We must train ourselves to keep our eyes open and be fearless in our gaze.
We must stare down everything that life has to offer, good or bad. We must train ourselves to commit to a punch, a position, a purpose.
Don’t turn away. Don’t blink.
Pick a goal. Stare it down. That’s the best shot you’ve got to see yourself succeed.
This article is recorded as episode #31 of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast: Staring Down Success.
Great article!