Paranoia Into Power: How to Fear Less and Smile More

Paranoid. That’s what some people call me when they find out I do martial arts.

What are you so afraid of? What do you think is going to happen?

They presume I wake up every day terrified I’m going to be robbed or murdered. They presume I rush home and lock myself in the basement with drums of water, cans of beans, and a shotgun in my lap.

But I don’t.

The truth is I don’t worry about much. I don’t worry about crime, or disease, or being poor, or making mistakes, or even death.

Not because I don’t care. Not because I’m a fool. But because I’ve taken the time to study those issues, understand them, and prepare myself to face them. The reward?

Peace of mind.

I fear less and smile more.

It’s like being punched in the face. Before taking martial arts, I was afraid of being punched in the face. But after being punched in the face a few times, it didn’t scare me anymore.

But here’s where people get confused—just because I’m not scared of being punched in the face doesn’t mean I want to get punched in the face. Or that I won’t try and stop you from punching me. Or that I start fights because I’m not scared. Quite the opposite.

Because I don’t fear being punched, I don’t think about being punched at all.

It is a cliché in the martial arts that the more you learn about fighting, the less you fight. Why? Because fighting is no longer an issue. It’s only when you live with fear that you walk around feeling threatened all the time.

Fear puts you on the defensive even when there is no threat. Fear pushes you to fight even when no one is attacking.

But remove the fear of being hurt, the fear of being made fun of, the fear of losing, and you remove the need to fight.

That doesn’t mean you can’t fight. When the fog of fear is blown away, you’re better able to see a real threat when it appears. And when it appears, you’re able to fight far more effectively.

When you’re afraid of being punched in the face, you don’t throw strong, accurate punches. You shut your eyes, duck your head, and swing wildly. But when you’re not afraid of being punched, you can see what’s happening, pick your shots, and commit all your effort into each strike.

When you fear less, you flinch less. You freeze less. More peace of mind means more power.

So, what’s the formula for gaining peace of mind? It all starts with naming your fears. Ask yourself: What am I afraid of? Make a list. You don’t have to show it to anybody. Just know this—if you can’t be honest with yourself about what scares you, you’ll always be scared. Bring your fears out into the light where you can take a good look at them.

You’ve heard of fear of the unknown? The way to dismantle your fears is by making them known.

Here’s a big problem with naming fears—sometimes, we don’t know we’re scared of something because we deny the possibility of it ever happening to us. Like a hurricane or an earthquake. Some may say, “That never happens around here. I’m not worried about that.”

Some may feel the same about violent crime. They think, “That will never happen to me. This is a nice neighborhood. And I don’t hang around in dark alleys.” Big mistake!

Denying your fear is bad, but denying you’re vulnerable is even worse. Either way, you’re making yourself more vulnerable to being hurt.

For example, if you convince yourself that natural disasters will never happen to you, when the waters rise and winds start whipping up, you’ll be at greater risk than someone who said, “Yes, hurricanes and tornadoes are possible, so I’m going to prepare to evacuate. I’m going to place a bag of clothes by the door, a first aid kid in my car, map out an escape route, and store some food and water in the trunk.”

That’s not so crazy, is it? Admitting vulnerability to a tornado and taking steps to face one doesn’t mean you’re paranoid about tornadoes. You’ve simply accepted the possibility and prepared for it.

Now, obviously, you can never prepare for every threat and danger, but here’s the good news: even a little preparation offers a lot of protection.

In fact, just accepting the idea that something bad could happen to you is a big step towards making yourself safer. Take a couple more steps and you can sleep easy knowing you did everything you could. The rest is up to fate. Accept that and you can go back to living a care-free, happy life.

Same goes for self-defense. I’m not paranoid about crime or self-defense because I’ve already figured out what the odds are, who my most likely attackers will be, what they will likely do, and where and when I’m at greater risk. I’ve accepted the possibility of being punched or stabbed or shot. I’ve also accepted my capabilities and limitations in mounting a defense.

Because I’ve explored it, I don’t worry about it. I don’t look for trouble, but I don’t fear it either. To me, that’s how you win.

You win when you’re free of worry. When you lead a balanced life. You’re aware, but not paranoid. You care, but aren’t obsessed. You’re prepared, but not on edge.

So, how do you fear less and smile more? The formula is simple…

First, name your fear. Second, take one or more steps to prepare for facing it.

Afraid of going blind? Get an eye exam. Afraid of heart disease? Take a walk. Scared of going broke? Save a little more.

Even talking about your fear will weaken it. Find a forum. Call a friend. Start the conversation.

Now for the big one–DEATH.

Martial arts, inherently, deals with the issues of killing and being killed. Dealing with such extreme events is what makes it so rewarding.

For me, handling the stress of being “killed” each class makes handling the stress of work or a disagreement at home much easier to manage. But for most people, death is a frightening and uncomfortable subject, which is why most folks don’t line up to take karate or kung fu. It’s also why martial arts schools put up banners that say GET IN SHAPE and not FACE YOUR DEATH!

But death is not what scares people the most. Surveys reveal that what scares people more than anything is public speaking. Yep—stage fright! Since being in the spotlight scares more people than death, let’s talk about how to make peace with public speaking as an example of how to make peace with everything.

Three reasons why giving a speech can be terrifying:

1) YOU’RE UNPREPARED. If you have to give a speech with no time to prepare, anxiety is understandable. There are many unknowns when you’re up there winging it. But when you have time to research, outline, write, and rehearse, stress drops and success follows.

The better you know the material, the better you feel. It’s like comparing the worries you feel raising your first child to your second child. Experience provides comfort as unknowns become known.

So, whatever action you fear taking, study it. Work with it. Play with it.

2) YOU JUDGE YOURSELF. You are your own worst critic. You could give a great speech and still drive home angry or embarrassed because you stuttered or fumbled a joke. Here’s a thought that might help: Only you care about perfection. No one else expects it or demands it.

Imagine a man dying of thirst. He begs you for some water. You have a bottle of water in your hand, but you don’t give it to him because it has your “germs” on it. You see a dog dish full of water, but don’t give it to him because that would be gross. You run and find a faucet and a pail, but you don’t fill it because the rim is rusty.

All the man wanted was some water. All you cared about was giving him “perfect” water. And now the man is dead.

I say again: Only you care about perfection. Everyone else in the world is satisfied-—maybe even thrilled—with less. Don’t cause suffering for others or yourself by setting an impossible standard. Just deliver your speech.

3) YOU FEAR BEING JUDGED BY OTHERS. The fear of being mocked or booed off the stage can be crippling. But don’t forget this—the vast majority of people want you to succeed. They want to hear what you have to say. They don’t mind if you drop your cards. They understand if your computer konks out.

Sure, we all have enemies, people who want you to fail… but they were enemies before you stepped onstage. Your speech isn’t for them—it’s for everyone else. And everyone else is happy to see you up there. Give your speech and move on.

Here’s the key: when you free yourself from feeling embarrassed, saying the wrong things, and making mistakes, you are allowing your true self to emerge. You can relax and let your talents flow. People like that.

No one wants to see you stressed out. They want someone to make them feel comfortable. And that someone can be you.

So, whether you’re giving a speech, taking a chance, or making a change, let the true you emerge. You’ll know it’s the true you if you’re able to smile. Remember—A Smile Is Your Greatest Self-Defense Weapon.

Without fear in your heart, you feel light and potent. Nothing weighs you down. That is the reward for accepting life for what it is, meeting it on its own terms, and living with it.

The alternative is to pray evil doesn’t exist, to pretend violence doesn’t happen, to hope hardship will never find you. Engage in any of that foolishness and you will suffer. Why? Because when evil, violence, and hardship do hit, it will shock you, sadden you, and hurt you.

When you hear someone say, “How could this happen?” or “I can’t believe this happened to me!” know that you are dealing with someone who has been living in denial… or is five years old.

No joke—if you shut out real life, you’re going to need a grief counselor or a sedative when the time comes to face the extremes that life has in store for you. Yes, you can be struck by lightning. Stabbed for your wallet. Eaten by a tiger. Swindled out of your life savings. Swept away by a tsunami.

Accept it. Prepare for it. Move on.

If someone calls you paranoid during this process, just smile. Don’t let their fears stop you from conquering yours.

Till now, we’ve only talked about the fear and paranoia that surround threats we know about so far, like hurricanes and crime. But what about threats we don’t know about? The unknown fears that can’t be named?

• What if my children die?
• What if the economy collapses again?
• What if I have a disease no one’s ever heard about and they name it after me?

Worry is endless. Every time you get rid of one fear, another one grows up in its place. But there is a cure for that—trust yourself.

Hey, Big Shot—you don’t know the future because you’re not supposed to know the future. No one does. Those are the rules.

But here’s what you do know—you will adapt. You will survive. Just look how far you’ve made it already!

Think about how many times life has sucker punched you. Think about how many times you’ve dreaded the unknown and it turned out okay. Or maybe even better.

Fact: The unknown works against you as much as it works for you. It balances out. So don’t worry about it.

If the future brings you something good, take it. If it brings you something you don’t want, trust yourself to accept it, deal with it, survive it, and move on. That’s what you’ve been doing your whole life. Keep it going.

The world is a scary place. But it’s also a beautiful place. Be careful not to live on either side of the street—the sunny side or the shady side. If you only focus on fear, you won’t enjoy the journey. If you only focus on joy, you may find your journey cut short.

Be wise and live in the middle of the street, where you can see both sides clearly. Prepare for the worst and live at your best.

That’s how you turn paranoia into power. That’s how you can smile more and fear less.

This article is a summary of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Paranoia Into Power.” Listen to the full episode here.