Death Grip: Just Let Go…and Win!

I used to think the term “death grip” referred to a grip so powerful it could cause someone’s death. But it’s the opposite.

A death grip is a desperate attempt to control something that is causing you harm. It’s holding on for dear life when every other option has failed.

I had a real-life death grip experience when I first moved to Los Angeles. I mentioned it in the podcast, “The Invisible Path to Success,” but I’ll go deeper this time.

It was a hot, summer day. I was driving around running errands when I saw a man stumble to the ground outside an apartment building. In a flash, another man was hunched over him, beating him with a stick. I couldn’t tell what the fight was about, but the beating was so one-sided, it had to be stopped.

So, I jumped out of my car and grabbed the guy with the stick. He tried to wrestle free. No way, hombre! Using my best Batman voice, I commanded him: “Let go of the stick.”

But he didn’t speak English. Neither did the ladies who came running at us screaming in a foreign language. I had no clue if I was holding the good guy or the bad guy. But that’s not really the point of the story. This is the point—

The moment I grabbed that guy, time stopped.

He had a death grip on the stick. I had a death grip on the stick. He wouldn’t let it go. I wouldn’t let it go. We just stood there. Frozen.

Could he have hit me? Yes! But he didn’t want to let go and lose control of the stick.

Could I have walked back to my car? Yes! But I didn’t want to let go, either!

To be honest, I tried to take the stick away from him. I knew a couple of cool disarms from Arnis, so I thought I’d wrench his wrist and pop the stick out. No way, hombre! The man’s hands had turned into iron.

Bonus tip: You can’t wrench a stick away from someone who would rather die than let it go. The only way to break a death grip is to punch the guy in the face first. You know— atemi waza. But heads up… one punch may not be enough.

The situation became ridiculous. Two grown men staring at each other, tugging on a stick, with no reason to fight whatsoever.

After a minute or two, some bystanders pulled us apart and took control of the stick. I jogged back to my car and drove away still having no idea if I stopped a good man from being attacked or a bad man from being punished. But here’s one thing I did know—

The death grip is a trap.

The moment my hands touched that stick, they were stuck in a glue of fear and cement of indecision. So were his.

Neither one of us wanted to lose control, so we refused to let go. Neither one of us knew what to do, so we did nothing. We gave up our power and waited for others to step in and make a decision for us. And that’s not just a terrible strategy for success, it’s dangerous!

Just consider the countless videos you can find of women being dragged down the street by muggers (even muggers in cars!) because they refuse to let go of their purse. Instead of losing a little money and escaping unharmed, they end up with teeth knocked, broken bones, and head injuries. Talk about a death grip!

The death grip is very common in martial arts training. Beginners grab your shirt or your wrist with an iron fist, terrified to let go. Add a stick or knife into the mix— even a rubber one!— and that grab becomes a vice.

Oops! Did I say beginners? I meant everyone.

No matter who you are or how long you’ve trained, when your tricks don’t work and you’re going down, even the toughest guys in the world make white belt mistakes.

When I started in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, I’d already been training in the martial arts for 20 years. But it didn’t matter! I made the same rookie mistakes as everyone else. I was tapping all the time and close to throwing up most of the time.

But if I had to pick my #1 rookie mistake, it was this— hanging on to my partner with a death grip.

When you’re grappling in gis, grabbing the collar, sleeve, pants, or belt is a must. Your hope is to tie up your partner and throw them around like a puppet. Unfortunately, in BJJ, the puppet can grab and throw you around, too.

All that grabbing would burn out my hands and forearms before class was even over. I would sit there, staring at my numb hands, shocked that I couldn’t make a fist.

Driving home, I could barely hold the steering wheel. It’s not that my grip was weak or I was out of shape, it’s just that I had never before been forced to grab so hard or hold on for so long.

Of course, the punchline is that nobody was forcing me to hold on. It was my choice!

So, why would a smart guy like me (ahem!) make such a dumb mistake over and over? Why didn’t I just let go?

There are three causes of a death grip: ignorance, desperation, and fear.

Ignorance. You don’t know what to do.

Desperation. You don’t know what else to do.

Fear. You know what to do, but don’t do it.

On the offensive side, grabbing someone’s wrist or lapel is better than grabbing nothing at all. Even if I don’t know what to do, it seems logical that if I can just hold on, I’ll have a chance to win. No grab, no chance.

On the defensive side, grabbing someone’s wrist or lapel is my best shot at preventing them from getting what they want. Even if I have no idea what they’re going to do, it seems logical that if I can hold on, I’ll have a chance at stopping them. No grab, no chance.

Either way, in my head, the only way to survive in BJJ was to grab hold of something and never let go. EVER!

Have you ever tried to take away a baby’s security blanket? That was me. Yes, even babies employ the death grip! But after three or four months of straining my elbows and staying up late to ice my fingers, I finally listened to the pain.

The pain told me I was wasting energy. The pain told me that holding on was a losing strategy. In short—

Holding on was holding me back.

Today, my fingers still get mangled, but that’s to be expected in a grabbing game. Even world champions of Judo and BJJ tape up their fingers. Here’s the difference…

I’ve learned to be honest with myself about the injuries. I know when my fingers are damaged because of the game and when they’re damaged because of me. I know when I should have let go, but failed to do so.

Of course, ignorance, desperation, and fear are expressed in other ways, too. When I get caught in an arm bar, I tense up to resist it. When someone lifts me off the ground, I hang on to pull them back down. When someone’s passing my guard, I stiffen my arms to hold them back.

The pattern is clear— when danger appears, my mind fixates on an idea to stop it. A single idea. Then my body uses all its strength to make it happen.

Once the mind and body are locked together, my spirit jumps in to help. Never surrender! But here’s the funny part— even though I’m fighting back at full power, I’ve really only succeeded in putting myself in more danger. How?

Before my opponent can put a lock on me, I put a lock on myself!

I get stuck in one idea… even when it’s not working. Why would I, or anyone, hold on to something that is not helping them? Or even hurting them?

Easy. Because we’re afraid that letting go will only make things worse. But that’s a dangerous illusion. The fact is your situation is already getting worse, you just haven’t recognized it or accepted it.

It’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the more you get sucked in. At some point you have to let go of the idea that struggling is going to work and just relax. In doing so, you are clearing your mind to discover new options.

You see where I’m going here. The metaphor is obvious— we must learn to let go of the things that hurt us. We must break the death grip.

How to Break the Death Grip

In BJJ, and life in general, you will win more and lose less once you learn to recognize when you are in a position of advantage and when you’re in a position of disadvantage.

If you are in a position of advantage, holding on with a firm grip makes sense. That’s where talk about not giving up and toughing it out is appropriate. Why quit when you’re in a position of advantage?

But if you’re in a position of disadvantage, that firm grip can quickly become a death grip. The trick is to train yourself to let go before that happens. How do you recognize a death grip?

The death grip appears when you run out of ideas. When you don’t know what else to do. When you feel you have no other choice.

The death grip is closing your mind. Holding your breath. Tensing your body.

Yikes! Not thinking, not breathing, not moving… sounds a lot like a corpse, doesn’t it? Yep. The death grip is rigor mortis.

The moment you feel yourself stiffen mentally, physically, or spiritually, you’re using a death grip. You’re also about to die.

Of course, you don’t know you’re about to die. Every time you grit your teeth and stiffen up, you feel strong. You think you’re being smart.

That’s because ignorance, desperation, and fear trick you into believing that you’ll be okay if you can just freeze time! You believe that if you stop thinking and moving, the other guy will stop, too.

Ever play Peek-A-Boo with a child? They cover their eyes and think you can’t see them because they can’t see you.

Sorry, kid! That mistake will get you killed on the mats and in life. Freezing yourself does not stop anything or anyone from moving forward.

Life marches on. All freezing does is put you farther and farther behind. Freezing also gives the other guy more time and more opportunity to do whatever he wants.

When you’re frozen, you cease to be a threat. You become predictable. It happens to all of us…

How often do you see a friend or family member frozen in a bad position? Some people have a death grip on looking young. Or a bad relationship. Some people put a lock on themselves while battling nutrition, exercise, money, career goals, or parenting.

From the outside, it’s easy to advise, “Hey— just let go. Move on.” But how often do they listen?

How about you? Don’t you tell yourself to let go of your problems and bad habits on a regular basis? How often do you listen?

I’m no better. In BJJ, when I get my arm caught in a bad position, I still tense up and try to stop time. Then I hear the wise old man in my head whisper, “Let go of the gi, moron!”

But I don’t. How crazy is that? My arm is about to be broken and I know I should let go, but fear stops me from doing it. Fear of what, you ask? The fear of what might happen after I let go! Consider this—

The fear of the unknown is greater than the fear of the known… even when the known leads to certain death!

The way I see it, most of us would rather fail in a way we can predict than in a way we don’t see coming. We prefer to pick our poison.

But beware! The fear of the unknown is the deadliest of all poisons. It convinces you to accept death before it’s your time to die.

A death grip guarantees failure. Stepping into the unknown offers you a chance to escape. Breaking your death grip is your last chance to win!

The key here is trust. You must trust yourself to find a better way. You must trust yourself to create something new. To make something happen. But you’ll never find a better way until you let go of this one… the one that’s breaking your fingers.

It’s like a tug of war. You need a strong grip in a tug of war, right? If you hold on, you can win. But when you know you’re going to lose, what do most people do?

Let go! Holding on with a death grip will only get you pulled into the mud. But when you let go, you not only avoid being pulled into the mud, you drop the other guy on his butt!

The key to success is simply knowing when it’s time to hold on and when it’s time to let go.

Once I figured all this out, it became obvious how I was making the same mistake in every area of my life. Areas where I blame others for my problems, make excuses for my pain, or wait for someone or something to save me.

Now it’s your turn…

If you want to break the death grips in your life, start by identifying them.

Make a list of everything that hurts you. Write down the people, places, and activities that embarrass you, lose you money, make your stomach upset, cause you grief, or make you feel like a loser.

Now imagine each of those items as an attacker who’s just about to break your arm, choke you out, or punch you in the face. Your tricks aren’t working. Your ideas are failing. Your fingers are breaking.

But you’re not dead yet. The wise old man is telling you, “Just let go.” You trust him. You understand that holding on will only lead to failure.

You accept that hoping, dreaming, wishing, and praying will not help you. This is it. This is your last chance to escape. Maybe to win.

So, you let go. You let go of the fear. You let go of all the things pulling you into ruin. You let go of who you think you are.

You let go of your old habits, old beliefs, old goals, and old strategies that put you in a bad position in the first place.

You give yourself a clean slate. And then it happens. Something miraculous…

When you let go, your mind switches instantly from defense to offense.

You’re thinking again. You’re breathing. Moving. You’ve alive!

Letting go has created an empty moment. You are faced with new space and extra time. In that space and time, it is guaranteed something will happen. Something different. Even if you don’t know what that is, you know it can’t be worse than what you were holding on to.

When you break your death grip, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

So, let go. Say to yourself, “Let’s see what happens now. Let’s see what I do.”

Is jumping into an empty moment frightening? No. Wrong word. It’s thrilling!

You will never feel more alive than the moment when you let go of who you think you are and find out who you really are.

When you let go, the clock starts ticking again. You move forward. You keep up with life. You give yourself a chance to grow and succeed.

When you let go, the world is forced to adjust to you. You make the other guy react. No one can predict your next move because even you don’t know your next move. But you’re willing to figure it out.

Keep in mind— the road to success is not passive and stiff, it’s active and flexible.

When you feel yourself locking up, let go to create the space and time you need to not only get what you want, but take advantage of what life brings to you.

Over time, if you keep experimenting, you’ll learn which choices work and which ones don’t. That will lead to new habits. And if those habits put you in danger again, let go and try something else. That’s how you keep learning.

Of course, letting go is not always easy. It will redefine you. It will challenge your identity, your ego, and your beliefs. Letting go is heavy stuff! Life and death stuff. But know this—

If you can break the death grips in your life, you will fight every battle at your best.

Remember— you have nothing to lose by letting go. You were heading towards disaster already. If you let go and still end up heading towards disaster, at least you got there on your own terms and no one else’s.

To be a master of martial arts or a master of life, you can’t allow someone else to take the wheel and drive you into a wall. You must be brave enough to take the wheel and crash into the wall yourself. Let me put that more elegantly…

It’s better to put yourself in a bad position by taking a chance than letting someone else put you in a bad position by doing nothing.

So, take a chance. Trust yourself. Challenge yourself.

Thrill yourself by jumping into a position that forces you to try something new.

Let go of the stick. Let go of the purse. Let go of the old you and watch the real you take over.

When it comes to escaping the death grip, letting go is the only way to go.

This article is a summary of the Fight for a Happy Life podcast, “Just Let Go.” Listen to the full episode here.